Through my fingertips...

2010-09-30T19:13:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I'm struggling with such complex emotions that I do not know why there are there why i'm feeling that why they even exist why other people do not seem to have them why and why and why. And I cracked my head to find answers to how they crept into my heart and decided to call my heart their home. So I'm learning to punch them, kick them, stab them and hide them. Hope time will make things clear and I can rest in the Lord's everlasting love and peace.

I need to count my blessings! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10...

No, it's not the problem of not remembering to count my blessings.

There's an important quality that I seem to be lacking of. I pray and pray and pray that the Lord will grant me more such quality. I pray and pray and pray. And I think maybe there's no short-cut. I have to accummulate bit by bit. I need to ask for it daily and walk in his Love daily. I need to be assured daily. Then some day, it will become a natural part of me. I'm looking forward to that.

2009-09-24T16:12:00.001+08:00

Turn my eyes upon Jesus

Happy Birthday!

2009-05-05T21:38:00.002+08:00

Elisabeth Elliot Daily Devotional
Title: Happy Birthday -- You're Heading Home!
Author: Elisabeth Elliot
Source: On Asking God Why
A Lamp for My Feet $10.00 (Book)

Happy Birthday -- You're Heading Home!

The cards on the racks simply won't fill the bill. I wander disconsolately past the "Relative," ''Comic," and other categories of birthday cards, even a rack labeled, "These cards are outrageous. Prepare for shock!" What I want to wish on your birthday is not the sort of happiness that depends on the denial of the passing years, or on your undiminished power to get ever bigger and better thrills out of tall bottles or other people's beds. The cartoons are crazy. In fact, they're horrifying, in that they show what a dead-end street the desperate search for happiness usually is. The only cards that suggest the possibility of any other kind of happiness make such exaggerated claims for my feelings for you, in such soupy, mawkish language, and with such wispy or misty illustrations--no, I'm sorry, I can't bring myself to buy them.
What I want to wish you today is joy. I want you to have the happiest birthday ever. Not because you're just exactly the age you've always dreamed of being: the perfect age. Not because you'll be having the splashiest, roaringest party ever, or because you're surrounded by all your favorite fans, feeling marvelous, getting a vast pile of gorgeous gifts. I could merely wish you a happy birthday, but I'll do more than that. I'll turn my wish into prayer, and ask the Lord to give you the happiest birthday ever. I'll ask him for the kind of joy that isn't dependent on how you feel or who's there to celebrate or what's happening.

The people who write those awful cards are doing the best they can, but they haven't much to fall back on. Best to try to forget the hard facts: time is passing, people are actually growing old, happiness is pretty hard to come by in this old world. What is there to fall back on? Can't do a thing about the facts. The misery and loneliness and disintegration and horror are there (Edna St. Vincent Millay put it bluntly: "Death beating the door in"), but who wants to put things like that into a birthday card? Isn't it good enough to settle for cute comics, sweet sentiments, and just have fun? We can at least pretend we're happy. Forget the truth for a day. It's your birthday, and by George, we're gonna frolic!

That's one way to do it, but why frolic for all the wrong reasons? I love celebrations and gifts, a little dinner by candlelight in a quiet place with loved friends is my idea of a happy evening. But it's specially nice to have somebody remind me of something even happier than the bouquets, the balloons, and the bubbly, something that will last out the day, the week, even the coming year, if there is any such thing. There is, you know. Here's joy:

The wretched and the poor look for water and find none,their tongues are parched with thirst;but l the Lord will give them an answer,I the God of Israel will not forsake them.I will open rivers among the sand-dunes and wells in the valleys;I will turn the wilderness into poolsand dry land into springs of water;l will plant cedars in the wastes,and acacia and myrtle and wild olivethe pine shall grow on the barren heath.
(Isaiah 41:17-19 NEB)

A birthday is a milestone. It's a place to pause. Look back now for a minute over the way the Lord has brought you. There has been thirst, hasn't there? You've been over some sand dunes, through some valleys, some wilderness, out on a barren heath once in a while. I have too. Sometimes it seemed that there weren't any rivers, wells, pools, or springs. Nothing but sand. No lovely acacias or wild olives, only barrenness. The trouble was I hadn't learned to find them. I was trying to travel alone. I made the same mistake when I first went to live as a missionary in the South American jungle. After one bad experience of getting lost, I learned to follow an Indian guide. He knew the trails. He could find water to drink (inside a bamboo, for example, if there wasn't a river handy), honey in a hollow tree, fruit where there seemed to be no fruit. I couldn't see them. I didn't know where to look. The Indian did. He could make a cup out of a palm leaf, build a fire in the rain, construct a shelter for the night in an hour or so. I was helpless. He was my helper.

A milestone is not only a place to look back to where you've come from. It's a place to look forward to where you're going. We don't always want to do that on birthdays. If we look back it seems such a long time, the good old days are over, and (here's the hard part) so much guilt clogs the memories. If we look forward--alas. How many more birthdays? What will happen before the next one? Thoughts of the future are full of for

I the Lord your Godtake you by the right hand;I say to you, Do not fear;It is I who held you.
(Isaiah 41:13 NEB)

Parties and presents won't do much for a checkered past or a frightening future. Only the God who was loving you then, loves you today on your birthday, and will keep right on loving you till you see him face-to-face, can possibly do anything about them. "It is I who help you," he says. There is help for all the guilt. Confess it in full. He'll forgive it in full. And I mean forgive. That doesn't mean he denies its reality, sweeps it under the rug, or bathes it in sentiment. There was once an old rugged cross. You know where it was--on a hill far away. And you know what it means--nothing sentimental at all, but forgiveness, freely offered to all of us, the whole price paid in blood by the Dearest and Best.

There is help for your fear too. Express it in full. Let the Lord take you by your right hand and help you. I had to do that with my Indian guide. I simply could not make it across those slippery log bridges, laid high over jungle ravines, without help. I was scared to death. The Indian, who had been over them many more times than I had, held me by the hand.

You've heard those bad news/good news jokes. Well, this isn't cheap birthday card humor. The bad news is that another year has gone by and we haven't done all we meant to do and it's not going to come back to give us another chance. The good news is the Gospel. We can be reconciled to God--sins forgiven, fears taken care of. That old cross, the emblem of suffering and shame, stands between us and our sins and fears, our past and future, and on its outstretched arms we see Love. The Love that would die for us is the Love that lives for us--Jesus Christ, Lord, Master, Savior of the World, wanting to give you (for your birthday if you'll take it) something that will really quench your thirst, rivers among the sand dunes and wells in the valley; wanting to hold your hand, help you, give you--not only a happy birthday, but everlasting joy.
I'm not the least bit bashful about telling my age. I'm glad for every birthday that comes, because it is the Lord, my faithful Guide, who "summoned the generations from the beginning." I look in the mirror and see the increasingly (and creasingly) visible proofs of the number of years, but I'm reconciled. Christ reconciles me to God and to God's wonderful plan. My life is his life. My years are his years. To me life is Christ, and death is nothing but gain. When I remember that, I really can't think of a thing I ought to be afraid of. I can't be sorry I'm a year older and nearer to absolute bliss.

I pray for you on your birthday, that your path, as is promised to the just man, will shine not less and less but more and more; that you will still bring forth fruit in old age; that the Lord will give you a thankful heart like the psalmist's who sang,

O God, thou hast taught me from boyhood,all my life I have proclaimed thy marvellous works:and now that I am old and my hairs are gray,forsake me not, O God....Songs of joy shall be on my lips;I will sing thee psalms, because thou has redeemed me.All day long my tongue shall tell of thy righteousness.
(Psalms 71:17, 18, 23, 24 NEB)

So--happy birthday! If you have friends and parties and presents, be thankful for such bonuses. If you have no friends with you today, no party, not a package to open, you still have a long list of things to thank God for, things that matter much more. A birthday filled with thanksgiving and hope is the happiest kind of birthday. Have one of those! Deck yourself with joy!

Copyright© 1989, by Elisabeth Elliotall rights reserved.

recent reads

2009-04-10T14:43:00.022+08:00

Thanks to a colleague who introduced me to those twisted fairytales -- re-written classical fairytales. Very funny. Great for lovers of fairytales.

To live happily ever after is a task all princes and princesses should strive to do well. Prince frog knows it very well. So what happens when it's not that easy? This continuation is a bit silly but funny.

Story set in Persia. Everything's so convincingly persian. This Cinderella dropped her diamond anklet.

Same story, only that it happened in ancient China this time.

Look carefully, it's "sleeping BUNNY"!

This Cinderella is adventurous and flew away with the prince in a hot air balloon in the end and of course, they lived happily ever afer.

Totally clueless as to why I remembered this story so well from my childhood. Perhaps it was one of the first few fairytales that I heard. In this story, this mischievous pea did the princess a great favour by telling her that 'there was something big and round underneath the many layers of matresses"!

Oh, do you know what really happened in "little red riding hood". Listen to the wolf's account. He claimed to be telling the Truth.

"Rapunzel" in the 1970s. Not much change in storyline. Only the social setting's different.

After rescuing the little duckling, the big bad wolf finally managed to make some friends. Ya, isn't it unfair that some animals are just born to be evil? haha. This is one of the recurrent topics in those twisted fairytales where the wolves are given a voice to express themselves.

They didn't just live happily ever after like that. They put in effort and made it happen.

Forgive her. She's just too lonely.

Who says princess must be pretty? And that she must marry a prince?

After her father quit the throne, she had to find a way to make herself recognized and she did it. She's so smart.

This big bad pig is terribly bad. But he turns good so easily in the end. No wonder it's a fairytale.

Was rather impressed by the author's imagination. The prince has a mother who's partly ogre!

See Cinderella through the step-sister's eyes.

The step-mother tells the story of 'snow white'. But do you believe her?

This book is hilarious.

This is how it's hilarious.

This emperor comes from a country where nobody wears anything. So everyone has plenty of time doing other things rather than doing chores related to clothes. They are happy that way and then two tailors came and cheated the emperor into wearing something.

THIS, IS DEFENITELY THE BEST AMONG ALL THE STORIES!

WAHAHAHHA.

I HAD A GOOD LAUGH WHILE READING.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

2009-03-01T19:38:00.002+08:00

悦己，不就是enjoy myself吗？说得真好。

=D

2009-02-11T22:33:00.003+08:00

小轩子一个踉跄跌在地上，让我两天里看到他都忍俊不禁。

“李老师，第５页！”阿伟真是让我不知该怎么生他的气。

小恩的嘴实在太甜，不知她妈妈每天给她吃些什么。

显儿太聪明！实在佩服。而且还很谦虚。希望他一直都这样。

小杰很认真。小锦很正直。

小兴是个非常乐天派的孩子。看到自己组的分数已经有２５０了，高兴得欢呼。其实这２５０分是５组里最低的。

recent reads

2009-02-11T22:04:00.006+08:00

余秋雨　《借我一生》

"The Embers of Heaven" by Alma Alexander

"Survival in the Kiling Fields" by Haing Ngor with Roger Warner

"A Walk with Jane Austen" by Lori Smith (fairly disappointed with this book :( )

"In His Steps" by Charles Sheldon

2009-01-18T17:44:00.001+08:00

我迷失在两岸之间

week1 & 2 verses

2009-01-12T08:05:00.001+08:00

2 Timothy 1:7 (New King James Version)
7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Philippians 4:8 (New King James Version)
8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

甜

2008-12-22T18:34:00.004+08:00

嘴是苦的
脸是长的
脑袋是生锈的

叉叉熊没有想到
原来受伤的人还有很多
而且很多人受了伤
却毫无察觉
一直在疑惑中被
伤痕继续刺痛着

但是
叉叉熊在很认真地向
卤蛋学习

凡事都要向　神许愿

脆弱时靠着　神
反而坚强起来了
期待
伤痕结了疤一一脱落后
生命的勇气
一点一点地加添

叉叉熊摸了摸自己扑腾扑腾跳跃的心
然后把熊掌轻轻地放在小猪一一的小蹄子上

小猪一一，你可以感觉到我的勇气么？

Singapore Art Museum

2008-12-19T23:13:00.007+08:00

Art? No art?

I made it just in time for the free lunch time promotion (no entry fee). Two minutes later and I would be required to pay 8 SGD. =)

There's a lot of abstract art in the museum. I can appreciate the lines, the shapes and especially the colours. But I can't understand why the artworks are good and worthy of being in a museum. Abstract art, too 'chim' for a layperson like me. Here is an example:

Unashamedly, I think I could probably reproduce the same art work. (laughing stock of artist people :P) But I imagine it would be nice to have such a painting on the wall of my house when I have my own house next time. I like its simplicity.

Then instead of trying to understand what the artists want to communicate through their artworks, I began thinking how some of the artworks would be good for the walls in a house. This is an ingenious idea, which I like a lot:

100 perfume bottles!

There were also some modern works, especially the ones made use of ICT, which I think are really innoative and audacious. And many of them I don't quite understand. Anyway, I think I should just end the post here and not betray my ignorance any further. :P

recent reads and 'seen's

2008-12-17T23:08:00.006+08:00

深入浅出的漫画系列

A Passage to India

August Rush

Becoming Jane

几米《失乐园》系列

One needs more sense to appreciate a good story. More intelligence or perhaps wisdom. One also needs to be fully awake. Being over-analytical and blame oneself for not being able to understand everything is foolishness. Put aside what you don't understand for a later date. It really doesn't matter.

Singapore Philatelic Museum

2008-12-17T21:34:00.004+08:00

The philatelic museum was somewhat disappointing. I felt the exhibits did not justify the 5 SGD entry fee that I paid (considering the fact that ACM entry fee was 5SGD).

A room upstairs (2 levels, 8 rooms) exhibited stamps related to rats with life-like rat toys and paintings/photos as decoration. Gave me a fright. Another room showcased some old-fashioned cartoon pictures from the toys museum, which I cannot understand why as this is a philatelic museum. Yet another room named the heritage room had decoration imitating Singapore street last century when immigrants from other parts of Aisa came to Singapore to start a new life.

And naturally, I'm interested in the language of philately.

Especially this one:

Royal Selangor Pewter Gallery

2008-12-15T23:15:00.015+08:00

It is NOT a museum! Only a small gallery.

Nothing like what's introduced on the website. Maybe they downsized? There was no admission fee either.

Nevertheless, I learnt something new. Took some pics with my phone camera. Now let the pics do the talking.

This is the chemical "equation" of pewter. Not balanced though.

A staff's using a mould to do a small money tree. The melting point of pewter is 200+ coz the majority of it is tin. And it solidifies in an amazing rate at room temperature. So in about 20 seconds one can make one small money tree. I saw the money trees for sale later on in the shop outside the gallery. It's 25 SGD! Very exp! All the things for sale there are exp.. Well, to me.

Another staff polishing a pewter cylinder.

I tried my hand at knocking a pewter cylinder. They used hammer to knock patterns onto those cylinders. I was told one needs to practice knocking consistently for 6 to 8 months in order to be able to knock out a nice pattern.

Some facts about pewter

A wall of pewter plates of different designs

A nice cute teapot on display. It's a lot heavier than normal steel teapots!

In the shop, I saw the F1 trophy. Very heavy! Made of pewter.

Asian Civilisations Museum

2008-12-15T22:41:00.003+08:00

The estimated touring time on the website was 2 hours, but I spent over 3 hours in there. Like the West Asia (Islam) and South Asia exhibits (India). The talking kiosks are nice to listen to but quite a few were not in proper working conditions (Annoying!). There was a special exhibit going on -- monochrome photo portraits of South-east Asians in last centry. I spent quite a bit of time there as I wanted to complete the three questions in a contest form. Questions were not easy. I was glad to have found a photo album which has majority of photos exhibited. I then spent some time flipping through the album back and forth a few times.

Although brought my camera along this time, the batteries were low. Plus there wasn't anything that specially intrigued me. But just beside the ACM, outside the Art House, two statues caught my eyes (pic taken by phone camera).

Hmm... what is the artist trying to communicate?

无题

2008-12-10T22:43:00.012+08:00

如果我的背后长出一对翅膀，请不要笑我。

因为这不是我种上去的。是它自己长出来的。

pic source: http://images.elfwood.com/art/n/a/natalie1/childlike_fairy_lg.jpg

National Museum of Singapore

2008-12-08T23:34:00.010+08:00

Rainy day. Pics taken by cell phone camera.

I love the architecture. I often imagine myself standing in the middle of streets in European countries where such architeture abounds; I think I'd probably be so mesmerized that I would not be able to utter a word.

The exhibits were good. Spent about two hours plus in the history gallery and it was still not quite enough. Being a linguistic student/teacher of language, I can't help but notice while the English labels are merely informative, the Chinese ones are both informative and descriptive. I'm impressed. Here are some examples:

Then when I was about to leave the place, I spotted a house which looks like Pemberley in fort canning park (Mr. Darcy's residence). =) Time doesn't permit me to linger longer so I hope I'll be back for a visit soon.

Toys Museum

2008-12-04T23:36:00.012+08:00

pics taken by cell phone camera.

Was expecting the exterior to look more fun and appealing to children. But I like it nonetheless.

The museum wasn't quite how I expected it to be. I was hoping to see more ancient toys from centuries ago, creative toys that our ancestors made for their entertainment. Instead, it showcases toys made by different countries, from the period of around 20s to around 90s last century. The toys are still pretty modern to me. Wasn't particularly excited to see them. Here are some that I like more than the others.

The dolls are lovely and behind each doll there's probably an poignant story (read 'door of hope').

And some which are interesting to me.

Never saw any string holder before. There are a lot of popeye string holders too. But are they toys? Thought toys are for children to enjoy. hmm, 'toy' is redefined here.

Panda teddy bear. Never saw one before.

The earlier versions of Mickey Mouse. hmm, this is more disgusting than interesting. I hate rats! And those mickey mice look so much like rats.

Took quite a number of pics. But I'll jus end this post with this one. =)

museums

2008-12-03T23:17:00.005+08:00

Art Retreat Museum
Asian Civilisations Museum
Changi Chapel & Museum
Malay Heritage Centre
MINT Museum of Toys
National Museum of Singapore
red dot design museum
Royal Selangor Pewter Museum
Singapore Art Museum
Singapore Mint Coin Gallery
Singapore Philatelic Museum

2008-12-02T23:17:00.003+08:00

这个季节
一向令人烦躁的赤道小岛
平静
舒适
活力

我喜欢

2008-12-02T23:14:00.001+08:00

我怯生生地站在这头，眺望对岸。

recent reads

2008-11-22T23:55:00.003+08:00

Jung Chang and Jon Halliday "Mao: The Unknow Story"

Stormie Omartian "The Prayer that Changes Everything"

Gordon T. Smith "Listening to God in Times of Choice"

细毛　尹齐　《布拉格给我一个微笑》

some of my recent reads

2008-10-24T10:07:00.003+08:00

John Eldredge "Walking with God"
尤今《文字就是生命》

高尔泰《寻找家园》

R.A.Torey "The Person and Work of the Holy Spirit"

His eye is on the sparrow

2008-10-14T12:46:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8NhZN9UJU4&feature=related

Why should I feel discouraged,
why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely,
and long for heav’n and home,
When Jesus is my portion?

My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me.

Refrain:
I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,”
His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness,
I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth,
but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted,
whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing,
when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him,
from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me.

愿望

2008-10-05T16:37:00.002+08:00

火柴的愿望是照亮一刻
花朵的愿望是芳香一周
虫儿的愿望是叫响一夏
雪花的愿望是自由一冬
小草的愿望是翠绿一季
书本的愿望是激励一世
楼房的愿望是屹立千年
伟人的愿望是流芳百世
我的愿望是
暂时不告诉你

念头

2008-10-02T20:31:00.003+08:00

感谢身边的超人们。

连超人们都在追赶时间，我怎么敢怠慢呢？

马六甲，有人说不错，有人说很闷。犹豫不定时，突然看到有人这样形容：那是一个“有气质得令人无言以对的地方”。这下，我是非去不可了。

要是有人早点说“那是一个闷得令人无法畅快地呼吸的地方”，说不定我就不去了。

真的，你怎么说罢了。说到我心坎上了，我就信了。

一些小事

2008-09-27T20:16:00.010+08:00

从超市回来的路上，我想，萨莉阿姨（当面叫sally，萨莉阿姨是我私底下自己叫的:P）很疼我，我也要疼她。才发现，这个“疼”字包含的那种亲密感，不是包罗万象的“love”可以表达的。这才明白过来，这就是为什么，那首赞美诗歌里的那句话“耶稣疼你”那么能安慰我的心。

小三的光同学是个中日混血儿。学习成绩不好，可是心思细腻，很讨人喜欢。那天，
光：老师，为什么你会生病？
我：因为你们很不乖，让老师工作很辛苦，所以生病了。
光（满有歉意）：对不起，Sorry。
过了一会儿。
光：老师你有没有一个paper？
我: 我没有纸。你要纸做什么？
光: 我要给你一个origami。

小一的G同学某天突然发现，他的名字中有一个刚学的生字“家”，乐得很：Yeah! Can copy! 又一天，G同学举起一份作业，指着上面他用钉书钉钉成的十字，很开心地说：Cross! Jesus on the cross!

那天我说了，一个同学没交作业，那组就扣10分。请了两天病假后，刚回学校这天抱着一叠作业到班上，一个一个检查。结果，J有一份作业没交，于是毫不留情地扣了分。没想到，他开始歇斯底里地大哭起来，挖阿瓦阿硬说他交了作业，很凄惨的样子。哭得我有点心虚，该不会错怪他了吧。让一个同学带他去厕所洗脸，他还倔得很，不肯去。没理他。哭了好久，终于累了，停了。不知过了多久，他的同桌从他的书包里挖出了那份空白的作业。我松了一口气，特别大度地说，你如果今天回家把它做完，明天交上来，我就给你加5分。结果，第二天，他的同桌兴冲冲地把作业交给我，说老师你说了要加分。我说，好。J乐得眉开眼笑。

类似的小事还有很多，以后要勤记。:-)

I'm 25!

2008-09-20T23:38:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday to Me!

祝我生日快乐！

This year, I think I've only been sick twice. But both fell on important dates: one on Chinese New Year; the other on my birthday. I could only drink plain porridge for my CNY reunion dinner and today I could only whisper everything I want to say.

心止如水。

感谢神赐予的平安。还有时间带来的稳重。

说到时间，我为什么觉得比几年前还年轻好多呢？

颖买了一小块蛋糕，满有情趣地和其他两位房友一起唱了生日歌。多年前在宿舍里一群人一起过生日的情景瞬间浮上脑海。

感谢颖。感谢zhe'r, wawa, katze n wuvist。以及其他身边所有的朋友们。一年一度地让我备受宠爱。:-D

起飞

2008-09-11T10:37:00.005+08:00

P.S. First time attempting to draw with computer mouse. The other day when I was in my p1 class, I drew a frog on the whiteboard while teaching the word "蛙"．They liked it and said the frog was cute. One girl asked for the name of the frog. I said it's called 蛙蛙. Later on, when I erased the frog from the board they said bye bye to wawa and when I asked them to repeat after me "蛙，青蛙的蛙", they insisted it's "蛙，蛙蛙的蛙"．Haha... I'm not here to boast about my drawing 'coz actually my drawing's quite ugly. There was another time when I tried drawing a bird but ended up with a flying fat duck. Then another time I drew a chicken with four legs and two wings. The kids seemed to like them though. Guess they are adorable, and ugly+adorable=cute. :p

专心仰望耶稣

2008-09-11T08:06:00.002+08:00

1Cor.1:25

Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

摘自《赞美之泉》

既然有这么多的见证人
象云彩围绕着我们
就应当放下各样重担
脱下缠累我们的罪
既然有这么多的见证人
象云彩围绕着我们
以坚忍的心向前奔跑
那摆在我们前面的路程
让我们专心专心仰望耶稣
那信心的创始完成者
以合一的心并存忍耐
奔跑我们前面的路程
让我们专心专心依靠耶稣
旷野中的安慰引领者
以喜乐的心并存盼望
奔跑我们前面的路程

2008-09-06T21:12:00.003+08:00

远方的国度

童年的城堡和公主

我想用沙子建起来

2008-09-06T21:09:00.003+08:00

天使借给青蛙一对翅膀
青蛙犹豫不决
不知该不该飞出已经习惯了的井

Teacher's Day

2008-09-06T20:45:00.003+08:00

Had my first Teacher's Day celebration as a teacher last Friday. Felt so special on that day. Thanks to my students for their lovely presents. =)

A Passion For Thee

2008-08-26T10:46:00.001+08:00

Set my heart, O dear Father,
On Thee, and Thee only,
Give me a thirst for Thy presence divine.

Lord, keep my focus
on loving Thee wholly,
Purge me from earth;
Turn my heart after Thine.

A passion for Thee;
O Lord, set a fire in my soul,
and a thirst for my God.
Hear Thou my prayer, Lord,
Thy power impart.
Not just to serve,
but to love Thee with all of my heart.

Father fill with Thy Spirit,
and fit me for service,
Let love for Christ every motive inspire,
Teach me to follow in selfless submission,
Be Thou my joy and my soul's one desire.

A passion for Thee;
O Lord, set a fire in my soul,
and a thirst for my God.
Hear Thou my prayer, Lord,
Thy power impart.
Not just to serve,
but to love Thee with all of my heart.

靠谱

2008-08-21T16:03:00.003+08:00

我还算是一个很靠谱的人，少了点洒脱。

Dear Lord, show me sth. similar.

2008-08-07T20:22:00.001+08:00

全新的你

2008-08-06T15:02:00.002+08:00

摘自《赞美之泉》

你说阴天代表你的心情
雨天更是你对生命的反应
你说每天生活一样平静
对于未来没有一点信心

亲爱朋友
你是否曾经
曾经观看满天的星星
期待有人能了解你心
能够爱你使你力量更新

耶能够叫一切能都更新
耶稣能够体会你的心情
耶稣能够改变你的曾经
耶稣爱你
耶稣疼你
耶稣能造一个全新的你

Redang Island

2008-08-04T13:42:00.003+08:00

Dear Stasi

2008-07-15T15:16:00.002+08:00

Thanks for the comforting words, so beautifully phrased in your book.

2008-07-07T15:11:00.003+08:00

一觉醒来
原来已经过了几个世纪
打开窗门
阳光洒进来

轻轻拍打蒙尘的心

颗粒在空气中飞散开来

想要去的地方

怎能半路返航？

胆怯的心
请你远离我

最初的梦想

2008-07-05T22:21:00.003+08:00

by:何林绪

如果骄傲没被现实大海冷冷拍下
又怎会懂得要多努力才走得到远方
如果梦想不曾坠落悬崖千钧一发
又怎会晓得执着的人拥有隐形翅膀

把眼泪装在心上会开出勇敢的花
可以在疲惫的时光闭上眼睛闻到一种芬芳
就像好好睡了一夜直到天亮
又能边走着边哼着歌
用轻快的步伐

沮丧时总会明显感到孤独的重量
多渴望懂得的人给些温暖借个肩膀
很高兴一路上我们的默契那么长
穿过风又绕个弯心还连着像往常一样

最初的梦想紧握在手上
最想要去的地方
怎么能在半路就返航
最初的梦想绝对会到达
实现了真的渴望才能够算到过了天堂

断了尾巴的壁虎

2008-07-02T15:29:00.001+08:00

好像一匹绿色的马
溶化在草原上

好像一滴透明的水
藏在云里

好像一个断了线的风筝
迷失在蓝天上

好像一根燃烧的蜡烛
火在风中摇曳

好像一只无头的蟑螂
活着

2008-06-30T21:52:00.002+08:00

原来做好最基本的已经需要极大的热情与坚持

2008-06-22T21:21:00.003+08:00

又被恶魔耍了一次
恶魔我恨你
不知道这个恶魔是姓李还是姓撒

wo

2008-06-18T21:42:00.002+08:00

Source：http://images.gfxartist.com/images/ArtworkItem/image/128090.jpg

彻底死去

2008-06-16T22:01:00.003+08:00

Galatians 2:20,2120
I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. 21 I do not set aside the grace of God; for if righteousness comes through the law, then
Christ died in vain." NKJV

Luke 9:23-2423
Then He said to them all, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. 24 For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it. NKJV

跌出童话

2008-06-07T14:30:00.003+08:00

一路磕磕碰碰，终于跌出童话。

口诀记

2008-06-04T18:45:00.005+08:00

这天一一出门去搭巴士。走到一半，发现忘记带手机。平时要是忘了就算了，可是今天要和朋友约见面，不带手机出门就等于直接取消约定。一一一边往回走，一边埋怨刚才出门前忘了念刚刚学会的口诀：手机钱包钥匙手表。这个口诀是经过一个同学指点迷津，一一从实际情况出发改良而成的。不想今天早上显然是过于自信，竟然以为不用口诀就能冲出门。

一一气呼呼地疾步回家。开大门，三步并作两步，再开房间门，翻，翻，翻。咦，手机在哪儿？突然，一一感觉不妙，迅速翻开背包，从包的角落头挖出紫红色的手机。欲哭无泪。

瓦，即使有了口诀，也有可能忘记念口诀；即使念了口诀，也有可能因为其他失误而忘带东西出门。

一一从小就很糊涂。

小时候，每天早上六点半妈妈准时把一一从床上拽起来，因为一一七点半要到学校。一一的小学离家很近，步行四分钟半就到了。

“一一，该起床了！”

一一很听话地爬起来，呆呆地坐在床上，身子懒懒地依在枕头上。

“一一，自己穿好衣服。”

“噢。”一一慢悠悠地把衣服套在身上。套完后，坐在床沿，看着妈妈在屋里忙碌。

这时，妈妈喊道：“快去刷牙。”

一一恍然大悟：哦，原来我该去刷牙了。

很快，一一刷完牙了。她坐在椅子上。书桌上有本昨天还没看完的故事书。一一捧起故事书，津津有味地读了起来。

妈妈看见一一坐在椅子上看书，问：“一一，脸洗了么？”

“哦。原来该去洗脸了。”一一走到洗脸盆旁洗起脸来。

“洗完脸后，记得梳头。然后就可以吃饭了。”妈妈一边盛饭，一边提醒道。

要是没有妈妈每天早上在旁边催促一一，一一恐怕会整个早上坐在床边遐想。

妈妈看着一一的糊涂样，有点担心。

有一天，妈妈想了个办法。她对一一说：“以后每天早上一起床你就念口诀：刷牙，洗脸，梳头。这样你就知道该做什么了。”

妈妈教的口诀真管用，一一一学就会，而且收益匪浅。从那以后，口诀帮一一度过了许多个春夏秋冬。一一再也不需要妈妈在一旁提醒了。

妈妈觉得一一一定不是只聪明的猪，再加上一一在小学入学试表现不佳，被编入最后一班，妈妈就更加坚信不疑了。不知道是交了白卷还是忘了写名字，开学报名时一一在布告栏的编班名单找不到自己的名字，所以被编入最差的最后一班。反正一一现在也记不清楚了，只记得当时卷子很难很难。所以妈妈对一一的学习成绩要求不高，居然夸下海口，要是一一考试得一百分就奖励十块钱。结果一一一上小学就往家里搬了一张又一张一百的卷子。妈妈马上意识到情况不妙，改口说只能奖励一块钱。一一很容易满足，一块钱对她来说已经是一笔财富了。

所以在后来的很长的一段日子里，妈妈都在思考着一个问题：为什么糊里糊涂的一一读起书来就不糊涂了呢？

说到这个话题，一一的伤心回忆浮上心头。一一的舅舅阿姨们曾经就这个问题进行讨论，然后得出一个结论，让一一心灵受创。这个，以后有机会再说。

寻医记

2008-06-04T18:17:00.005+08:00

有一只小猪，她的名字叫一一。

一一因为身体不舒服去看医生。结果，对医生姐姐描述了不舒服的症状后，医生姐姐要一一去见脑科专家。Neurologist！一一没有想到她的问题要专家才能看。一一更没想到她居然要见脑科专家。

不过，一一一转念，想到让病人见专家应该是很多普通医生喜欢使的伎俩。不够自信呗。还记得那次右脚不小心扭伤，医生阿姨立马让一一上医院急诊部门么？在寒冷的急诊部门等了若干个小时，拍X光，包扎。那个医生哥哥盯着一一的片片看了半天，神情凝重地说“不太确定是不是骨裂”。那到底是不是啊？包扎过后护士姐姐给一一推来一个轮椅，嘱咐一一要小心摆好脚。医生说最好买副拐杖。一一不知道什么是骨裂，而且因为在急诊部里等得几乎全身麻痹，包括大脑。看着医生哥哥和护士姐姐的认真模样，以为自己的脚一定已经病入膏肓，连忙买了拐杖。后来呢，阿杰大哥来探望一一，一看一一单脚跳来跳去的模样就一语道破天机：“娃哈哈，你这个样子怎么是骨裂？你不知道骨裂是很严重的，一碰到就会嚎啕鬼叫的那种吗？”一一才恍然大悟，国家不是提倡提高服务素质吗？急诊部的哥哥姐姐们一定是服务态度太好，好得过火了。后来那副拐杖倒是用了一次，结果，用起来比不用要痛苦上十倍不止。幸亏一一想得开，就当丰富生活经验吧。一定有许多人从来没有机会撑拐杖。你有吗？有吗？别回避，你一定没有。

哎呀，一跑题就跑得这么远。还有那次，一一耳有点聋，又去看医生阿姨。医生阿姨难得自信一回，说不用担心不用担心，只是耳屎堵住耳朵而已。说得一一怪不好意思的，马上解释，哦，是啊，我的耳朵是常年潮湿的那种。结果，医生阿姨把我送去护士阿姨那里。护士阿姨拿着一个大针筒模样的东东，往一一的耳朵里直灌水，说是这样就能把耳屎给逼出来。结果，灌啊灌啊，灌得护士阿姨腰酸背痛，墙上的钟啪嗒帕达地说要下班了。这时，一一已经被水灌得几乎要失聪了，竖着耳朵终于听到护士阿姨那坚忍不拔的声音“明天继续吧”。第二天，一一又来见医生阿姨，死活也不肯被送到护士阿姨那里去。医生阿姨只好让一一去见五官科专家。一一以为自己一定是重病缠身，后悔平时没有好好做运动强身健体。结果，这个五官科专家叔叔可厉害了。虽然一一一直抱怨头重脚轻，严重失聪，说得连桌上的小布熊都觉得一一一定是得重病了，但是五官科专家叔叔仍是很自信地说没问题的，我保证你过一会儿后就没事了。后来，叔叔用了一个很神奇的小小吸尘器把一一耳朵里的脏东西全都吸出来了。一一真的神奇般地恢复了。一一很开心，要是医生阿姨早点让一一来看五官科专家叔叔该有多好啊。

哎呀，又跑题了。医生姐姐说一一有偏头痛，要开止痛药给一一。一一不知道偏头痛是什么玩意儿，只知道妈妈每次一偏头痛就只能躺在床上睡觉，但是一一的头一点都不痛。一一对这个医生姐姐半信半疑。医生姐姐解释说偏头痛有很多种。一一说那我的这种不需要止痛药。脑科专家当然还是要去看。问诊时间定在八月底。一一看了看日期，咂舌。瓦，离八月底还有三个月。如果这三个月有什么问题怎么办？柜台的姐姐说，那就去急诊部。一想到寒冬腊月似的急诊部，一一忍不住打了两个寒颤。

回家后，好学的一一上网查了一下偏头痛的类型。瓦，偏头痛真的很多种，一一觉得等她看完全部后说不定就真有偏头痛了。尽管如此，一一还是冒着生命危险，耐心地读了下去。结果，读一个排除一个可能性，直到最后也没有哪一个偏头痛的类型有一一所具有的症状。

一一不甘心，打电话给曾经是医生的尔尼斯，把自己的症状描叙一番。结果把尔尼斯搞得一头雾水。说得越多，尔尼斯越觉得一一的症状是个谜。尔尼斯觉得一一想象力太丰富了。

一一开始自我反省。难道是我说得不好么？你问我有什么问题，我说我觉得我右边脑袋不舒服。你说是怎么样的不舒服，我难道能把感觉传染给你么？于是一一较劲脑汁，终于想到很好的答案：就是好像脑袋里有一团棉花，感觉有点重重的，有的时候有点痒痒的；又好像这一半脑袋被放进烤箱，感觉有点闷闷的，有的时候有点微痛；又好像有个小孩住在里面考试，做错了题目用橡皮擦擦我的脑袋。还有，右边身子有点麻麻的感觉，好像有电流经过。一一强调：我不知道右边身体和右脑袋的不舒服是否有关系。

显然，医生姐姐觉得脑袋和身体有关系。

可是，一一突然想到，右边身体不是左脑控制的么？我右边身体不舒服和右脑有关系么？

一一觉得很气馁，她想：医生不是应该帮助病人找答案的么？我说我脚后跟有个伤口，我又说我的手有点痒，这两者就一定有关系么？脚后跟的伤是穿新鞋穿出来的，手痒是因为被蚊子咬了。

那么，这个专家还要不要见哪？一一的爸爸听了一一的话，觉得医生姐姐太荒唐。一一决定观察一阵子再说。一一觉得即使要见专家，也要见五官科的专家。至于为什么，一一自有她的道理。要细说的话，两天两夜也说不完。长话短说呢，就是一一的鼻子从很早以前就开始给她制造很多麻烦。

瓦，真是麻烦。

无聊

2008-06-04T00:39:00.006+08:00

我是银行家
小心翼翼地支出贷款
你想借钱？
先证明给我看
你是否有这资格

他们说银行家没心没肺

我是大耳窿
很阔气地甩出一叠货币
你想借钱？
先画押签字
只要按时还钱
一切好办赫赫赫
要是不能还钱
你要吃什么样的包子？
应有尽有不用客气

他们说大耳窿心狠手辣

其实
:
:
:

我还是我
坐在筐腔筐腔的地铁上
因为听着音乐望着窗外
思考着不得其解的问题
用我自以为是的想象力
和些许难以达意的字词
试图，尝试，抒发一下
如此而已

早上从礼堂出来时，外面正在下大雨。
极端的天气，通常都能刺激我的情绪。
我不禁感情泛滥，感叹下雨天好浪漫。
安娣丽莲不屑：把你推进雨里更浪漫。
说完，双手作势用力推我。我挡我挡。
我说，到了雨里，就真是又烂又慢了。
礼堂里，某脑科专家正在解释羊癫风。
看着聪明绝顶，不想糊涂犯低级错误。
看着一本正经，不想笑话一个接一个。
录像里一小孩突然眼皮一翻晕倒在地。
我在一旁咯叽咯叽觉得非常极其好笑。
不是没有同情心，只怪他长得太可爱。
晚上约了许久不曾见面的阿砸吴同学。
一边吃饭一边哇叽哇叽地说着聊着话。
听着她的梦想她的努力以及她的勇气，
我庆幸身边有一些有趣的人们
即使无法说服自己勇敢一回
有他们的存在，
我觉得我的生活
也似乎
多了些
可能。

无聊
到
此
为
止
。

Moral

2008-01-18T23:37:00.000+08:00

The Chinese teachers are to teach civics and moral education in school. Last semester, our group did a micro-teaching on “building a gracious society”. The experience of preparing for lesson has led me to think that to teach civics and moral education is perhaps harder than teaching the Chinese language. I haven’t had real experience teaching in schools yet so I don’t know if the students nowadays post difficult questions. If they do, I will be very happy ‘coz it shows that they are thinking. However, I will have a very hard time preparing for the lessons. For example, one of our points was to teach the students not to consume food and drink on the bus. During the group discussion, Yan asked, “What if the students ask ‘teacher, if there is one day when I am really hungry and if I don’t eat my bread I will get a gastric pain, can I then eat my bread on the bus?”. I was in charge of teaching and I wasn’t able to come up with a satisfactory answer on the spot. Later I thought carefully about the question and imagined the following scenario:

I: Why do you think there is such a rule? What is the purpose of the rule?
With prompting, the student should be able to come up with the anwer: Because the bus company wants to keep the bus clean. And eating might disturb other people on the bus.
I: What will happen if everyone violates the rule?
Student: the bus might become very dirty.
I: Yes. And what if you are caught by the bus captain?
Student: I might get fined.
I: Yes. Now you know the negative consequences of eating on the bus, do you think you are going to eat?
Most likely, the student will say no.
If the student is smart, he/she might pursue the question: But if I don’t eat I will get gastric pain. What if I eat carefully and try to hide it from the bus captain?
I: Now we have the benefits of the public on the one hand and your personal benefit on the other hand, which is more important?
If this question were posed to me when I was in primary school, the answer would be the former is more important than later, for sure. I would be labeled selfish if answered the opposite and it was extremely shameful. However, in the context of Singapore and this modern age, I’m really not sure.
Suppose, the student: I will eat quietly and I promise not to dirty the bus and I will eat when the bus captain is not looking my way. Then can I eat?
I: You have to think carefully and decide for yourself and be prepared to bear the responsibility of your choice. If your gastric problem is REALLY serious (e.g. if you don't eat, you will faint), then you may eat.

Is my answer ok?

Of course, nobody asked that question in the class. Students (my fellow classmates) were cooperative.

Maybe I think too much.

But, can moral values be taught?

Moral values perhaps can be taught, but only intellectually not experientially--how to be a moral person cannot be taught.

People are born with different conscience. Very often, their conscience is influenced by the environment (economy, culture and history). Environment is important. The evidence for this statement is the difference in crime rates in different countries. Economy might be a good indicator. I don’t have statistics with me now but my common sense (which might be wrong) tells me that poorer countries have a higher crime rate. Of course, the nature of the crime is important to. Maybe I should limit the nature of crime to theft and robbery, which are common and people have a definite opinion against them. However I’ve also heard of people in far-away rural areas being really kind.

Then maybe it’s the comparison of wealth produces the motivation for crime. Assuming a rich man and a poor man are born equally moral, and they understand that there are both poor and rich people in the world, the poor man is more likely to commit a crime than the rich man. A bible verse came to me, "love of money is the root of all evil" (1Tim6:10). Here, the poor is likely to have a bigger temptation to have a bigger love of money.

However, is crime rate (theft and robbery specifically) or people’s behaviour a good indicator of how moral a country is? Maybe not. Although the rich man is not prone to crime, he is prone to other sins, such as contempt for the poor. A moral person should not do that.

Oh, then another question needs to be answered: what are the criteria of a moral person?

Man’s answer to the question? I think there are many.

God’s answer? Only Jesus Christ is perfectly moral.

So whether a person is moral or not is determined by the conscience that he/she’s born with and the environment???

As teachers, we can only contribute to the environment factor by creating a good classroom environment for discussion of moral issues so that the students' awareness can be raised.

Hmm.. which shows the civics and moral education is important.

Culture Shock

2008-01-18T21:42:00.000+08:00

In China
I was sitting on a bench in the airport. Beside me sat a grandmother and her toddler grandchild. I smiled at the toddler and then the grandmother. The grandma said to the toddler, “叫阿姨” (call ‘aunt’). The boy obediently called, “阿姨”. I smiled and then turned around to ask my mum, “Do children here call people of 20+ aunt?” Mum nodded, “Of course, you are already an aunt to a little toddler.” I recalled my grandma talking to me across the room, “When I was your age, your mum was already five years old.” (My mum’s my grandma’s first child.)

In Singapore
The lift was here. I entered the lift and saw a mother about 30-year-old with a little toddler. I looked at the toddler and smiled. The mother said to the toddler, “Call Jiejie.”. I smiled and said hi to the toddler.

Being away from China for so long (except for the occasional home-visits) has made me a dummy of how things are in the Chinese society. My mobile phone was stolen within five minutes after I arrived at the bus station at my city. My dad was with me. He walked in front of me and we were trying to hire a taxi. When people around me told me someone had taken something from my backpack, I checked and found one of the compartments of my backpack unzipped and my mobile phone disappeared. I was a bit angry then and asked why they didn’t alert me when the thief was stealing. I wanted to report it to the police. My dad obviously knew better. He was quite calm and said nothing could be done now. Mum was waiting at home, he said.

Later, when we arrived at home, my parents told me valuables should be put in pouches around your waist or bags which you wear in front of you. I asked why people didn’t dare to stop the thief. My mum said of course nobody would do that, the TV news had reported people who tried stopping the thieves were stabbed to death. What I found shocking appeared to be normal to them. (Thank God that the thief didn’t take my wallet and passport, which I put in my backpack together with the mobile phone.)

I learnt my lesson. For the rest of the holiday, I didn’t carry any bag when I went out. If I had to, I made sure the bag’s put in front of me. I didn’t lose a single cent.

It’s interesting that I felt more stupid this time than ever. Maybe because I began to be curious about how people live and I asked more questions. I never realized that I’ve gotten so foreign to the society. Or maybe I was never familiar with it. I was only concerned about my own little world when I was still a lower secondary school student. Then I thought to myself Singapore was indeed a garden city. In comparison, people were so comfortable in sg; I was so comfortable in sg, with so many nice people around me--I was a little flower well-taken-care-of. No wonder the Taiwanese author Li Ao commented Singaporeans are stupid. Li Ao didn't mean Singaporeans are intellectually challenged, but rather comparatively less exposed to 'bad things' such as crimes. Less shrewd.

My mum became my teacher in cultural education and my dad the assistant teacher. There was once when my mum and I saw a female beggar in her fifties in the bus station, walking with one clutch. My mum pointed out that she’s not a real beggar; she’s a cheater. She became a beggar because she’s lazy and she didn’t deserve our sympathy. I then observed carefully and saw she walked with ease, although slowly and her clutch didn’t even touch the ground sometimes. It’s obviously that the clutch was just a stage prop.

However, even my mum proved to be lacking in the application of her professional knowledge. We were both cheated once on our trip to Beijing. I said “once” because we only found out one so far. Prior to our trip to Beijing, my mum told me that my aunt once bought a fake gold necklace for 2000rmb when she went travelling once. It was hard for me to understand then. But after being deceived ourselves, we understood very well why such things could happen.

Back to our comparison of the two similar incidents in the beginning, the role of care-taker is different in two societies. While in Singapore, it’s usually the mother or the domestic helper who takes care of the child; in China, most of the time, grandparents especially the grandmother take the role of the care-taker. Some grandparents do it grudgingly, due to social expectation. Most of them, I learnt, do it willingly. The name-calling shows the expectations each society has for people of my age. I wasn’t aware that the traditional family values (like the importance of extending the family line) are still very strong in most parts of China. When you reach the marriageable age, you should get married, and then have kid (a boy if possible) and then get your kid married and then take care of your kids’ children. What a blissful picture. Of course, it’s absolutely right to want to have those things (except for the need to give birth to a boy). The problem is that many people see that as the meaning of life. Most often, they do those things for the sake of doing, just because they are expected to do. Many of them will then be disappointed in life. As Christians, we know that only the pursuit of God will not lead to disappointment for God promised that “see and ye shall find”. To have things external to God as the only goal in life is bound to be met with disappointment.

I
was
sad.

I felt
blessed
at the same time.

P.S.: Just read a post from brother Zhang Yong's blog. It's really encouraging and it's somewhat related to this post. Therefore, I'm copying the whole post here.

立此存照 —— 在这弯曲悖谬的世代，基督徒当怎样行事为人？
2008-01-10 20:58:35
大中小
标签：杂谈
近期忙于工作。主要的一个项目是教会的网络系统，包括了门户网站，会员管理，在线学习，分析报告四大模块。项目由我和L弟兄负责。值得欣慰的是，到今天，技术上的难点已基本攻克，项目现在进入了实施阶段，相信能在我回国前完成。中后期的调试、支持和维护可以通过网络完成。想到多少有机会能为教会做一点事情，心里很得安慰，觉得多少能代表嘉禾表达一些我们说不出的感谢。

现在我所在的公司，完全由基督徒组成，大家的信念一致：荣耀神。尽我们所能从IT的角度侍奉神。

因此目前神给我的带领，是回国后继续这种理念和实践。

然而如果说在国外这些想法还较容易付诸实施的话，回国之后则是有相当难度的。

第一点：作为非社会主流的基督徒，天然就有难度，原因不言自明。

第二点：国内的商业环境并不正规，各项制度也难称健全，简单而言，就是老实人一定会吃亏。

这是事实，我承认。我也知道，这世代是弯曲悖谬的世代。那么该怎么办呢？

答案无非是三点：1：不做就算了，惹不起还躲不起吗。2：适应“国情”，别太“死板”，人怎么做你就怎么做。3：坚持自己的信念，靠着神行事为人。

第一点或许是佛门弟子的选择，然而不是基督徒的选择。基督的信仰从来不是叫人逃避（除了少数几点比如“少年人的私欲”）的信仰，而是叫你“靠着加力量给你的神，凡事都能”。

第二点看起来就颇有道理了。是啊，适应国情嘛，“灵巧像蛇”嘛。

打个比方。

我一直记得一件事。我家装修的的时候，去正阳市场买东西。去之前就有人关照过我们这里边水很深，陷阱埋伏层出不穷，你永远斗不过奸商。因此去的时候心里着实忐忑。

然而进去第一家，没唠几句就放下心来：这老板娘居然是基督徒！那不妥了吗，弟兄姊妹啊那叫！基督徒还能骗人吗？！

聊天当中知道她信主也有七八年了，教堂是常去的，福音是常传的。因此我们也近乎推心置腹，坦白交待，说姐我们啥也不懂，第一次装修，需要点儿啥都不知道，您就帮我们参谋参谋吧。她也爽快，大笔一挥，你们需要这些这些这些，你得如此这般，这般如此，总之那水准叫一个专业，当时那气氛叫一个融洽。

报价单开出来后，我突然想起来点儿事。我心说我就小人之心一把吧，人是基督徒，按说不可能跟世人一样——但我也仔细瞧瞧吧。

这一瞧就瞧出毛病来了。

单子上有好几项价钱的小数点往后移了一位，有的还是两位。这一来上下可是要差好几百块的。

我小心翼翼地指出这一点，大姐若无其事说写错了，划掉重来。

可是这之后气氛就不对了。本来刚才还是宾主双方就共同关心的问题在友好的气氛中彼此交换意见，可转眼间这位基督徒大姐就鼻子不是鼻子脸不是脸了。

虽说最后还是在她这儿买了，可是也听了一大堆风言风语，什么“生意难做啊”，“根本不赚钱啊”，“现在都这样啊”之类。原来事实就是所有卖装修材料的都是先报个跳楼价把你拉进来，然后再用尽手段给你找回来，反正羊毛出在羊身上。

这位基督徒生意人，也不过如此。

当我决定回国作一些IT的事情时，我就想起这位来。难道真是北桔南枳吗？难道真的有所谓人在江湖，身不由己吗？国情大过天吗？

我也渐渐了解到，国内开公司，尤其草创阶段，所有人都是自己整个个人账户，为的是税费能免责免；明明是政府公职人员也办个下岗证，拿点优惠政策；凡事现金交易，非要开发票啊？对不起那就得起价，而且发票也不知道哪儿弄来的，也什么名目都有；员工劳保三金？你不是在搞笑吧大哥？！……

大概如此。

如果要正规开公司，那可着实繁琐，一笔固定资金得存到指定银行，银行给验资，以后进出都得跟着发票，并且公司未开，会计先行，你得在会计指导下履行一大堆手续，主管部门还三天两头找你麻烦……

总之听起来好像有百害无一利。

大话西游里说话：你不做山贼，还想学人家考状元啊？！

似乎正规做事是大公司，或者外国公司才考虑的事。我们平头百姓？省省吧！

并且我掂掂自己斤两，实话实说，做点儿技术活还是勉强够格的，要去下海趟这趟浑水啊？还是所谓“趁早洗洗睡吧”。

难不成就这么算了？

昨晚没怎么睡着觉。早晨6点多破天荒就起来了。我突然想起来一句话。就是著名的Google公司的口号：

Don't be evil.

有人翻译为“不要作恶”。意思差不多。

这句话让我睡不着了。我隐隐约约意识到，存在某种机会。某种为神作见证的机会。

为了确定，我得问问神的意思。

于是抓起因为忙着实有几天没看的圣经，接着读。这一读可不得了，这神真是神啊！箭无虚发！

旧约以赛亚书47章还没什么，新约照进度该读以弗所书4章。在此我必须全文引用，并且将我的亮光粗体标出：

4:1 我为主被囚的劝你们：既然蒙召，行事为人就当与蒙的恩相称。
4:2 凡事谦虚、温柔、忍耐，用爱心互相宽容，
4:3 用和平彼此联络，竭力保守圣灵所赐合而为一的心。
4:4 身体只有一个，圣灵只有一个，正如你们蒙召，同有一个指望。
4:5 一主，一信，一洗，
4:6 一　神，就是众人的父，超乎众人之上，贯乎众人之中，也住在众人之内。
4:7 我们各人蒙恩，都是照基督所量给各人的恩赐。
4:8 所以经上说：“他升上高天的时候，掳掠了仇敌，将各样的恩赐赏给人。”
4:9 （既说升上，岂不是先降在地下吗？
4:10 那降下的，就是远升诸天之上要充满万有的。）
4:11 他所赐的有使徒，有先知，有传福音的，有牧师和教师。
4:12 为要成全圣徒，各尽其职，建立基督的身体，
4:13 直等到我们众人在真道上同归于一，认识　神的儿子，得以长大成人，满有基督长成的身量，
4:14 使我们不再作小孩子，中了人的诡计和欺骗的法术，被一切异教之风摇动，飘来飘去，就随从各样的异端。
4:15 惟用爱心说诚实话，凡事长进，连于元首基督。
4:16 全身都靠他联络得合式，百节各按各职，照著各体的功用彼此相助，便叫身体渐渐增长，在爱中建立自己。
4:17 所以我说，且在主里确实地说，你们行事，不要再像外邦人存虚妄的心行事。
4:18 他们心地昏昧，与　神所赐的生命隔绝了，都因自己无知，心里刚硬；
4:19 良心既然丧尽，就放纵私欲，贪行种种的污秽。
4:20 你们学了基督，却不是这样。
4:21 如果你们听过他的道，领了他的教，学了他的真理，
4:22 就要脱去你们从前行为上的旧人，这旧人是因私欲的迷惑渐渐变坏的。
4:23 又要将你们的心志改换一新，
4:24 并且穿上新人，这新人是照著　神的形像造的，有真理的仁义和圣洁。
4:25 所以你们要弃绝谎言，各人与邻舍说实话，因为我们是互相为肢体。
4:26 生气却不要犯罪，不可含怒到日落；
4:27 也不可给魔鬼留地步。
4:28 从前偷窃的，不要再偷；总要劳力，亲手做正经事，就可有余，分给那缺少的人。
4:29 污秽的言语，一句不可出口，只要随事说造就人的好话，叫听见的人得益处。
4:30 不要叫　神的圣灵担忧；你们原是受了他的印记，等候得赎的日子来到。
4:31 一切苦毒、恼恨、忿怒、嚷闹、毁谤，并一切的恶毒（注：或作“阴毒”），都当从你们中间除掉。
4:32 并要以恩慈相待，存怜悯的心，彼此饶恕，正如　神在基督里饶恕了你们一样。

哎呀妈呀，啥也别说了。我也不想争论说其实这经文原来说的是什么什么意思，我就知道神会借着圣经向特别的你的特别处境说话。那叫神的话啊！

我的答案出来了，那就是第三点：坚持自己的信念，靠着神行事为人！行事为人与蒙的恩相称！

说实话，嘉禾这件事后，我不敢说大彻大悟，也差不多是小彻小悟，只想靠着神，发挥神特别赐我的恩赐在各个方面为神做点事。

突然觉得我底气足了。有根了，不至于再飘来飘去。信仰根本没那么复杂，其实就是“听道要行道”，“有信心还要有行为”。古代说“知行合一”，现在说“理论加实践”，都是被神的智慧光照了那么一下啊。

如果说我不是做生意的料，可目前的形势就得我去做生意，我得说这其实是好事，因为“神的恩典够我用的”，正因为我不行，才能证明要是做到些事情，那是神的能力啊！

如果做生意就意味着得见人说人话见鬼说鬼话，那我还就以不变应万变了，不是不会编巴吗？那就弃绝谎言算了，用爱心说诚实话，坦诚布公，不敢保证价格最低，但敢保证性价比最高；不敢说技术最好，但敢说态度最好！

如果公司正规开就意味着赔钱，那也得正规开。“正确地做事情比做正确的事情更重要”，就得劳力，亲手做正经事。我只能照着神的吩咐做，做一些包括我自己都可能以为是无用功的事，比如往6口石缸里挑满水。这是我能做并且该做的，是我的责任，剩下的是神的事情，他才有能力把这些水变成酒！

写下这些话，是因为我不敢斗胆消灭圣灵的感动，写下来自勉，也和弟兄姊妹共勉！以后我们或许难免会有软弱甚至跌倒的时候，但愿到时候我们能“彼此联络，保守圣灵所赐合而为一的心”！

2008-01-18T19:47:00.000+08:00

学而不思则罔，思而不学则殆。 ――孔子

Learning without thinking leads to confusion; thinking without learning ends in danger. -- Confucius

I learnt to recite this famous saying of Confucius in primary or lower secondary school. However, it’s only recently, through life experience that I grasped the full meaning of it. Thinking and learning come hand in hand. The point of having a brain is such that we can think. However, too much thinking makes one unrealistic/deceived/confused/depressed—any one of them makes living a common and peaceful life difficult.

This reminds me of an incident at home last December. One day, when I was at my uncle’s house, my little cousin—who’s only in primary 5—came up to me, holding a piece of paper. She asked, “Can you help me see if I memorize the sayings correctly?” “Sure”, I took the paper she handed to me. I was quite shocked when I saw that which is on the paper. The page is full of sayings of the famous ancient Chinese philosopher—Lao Tse! Even I don’t know what they mean! “Do you understand what they mean?”, so I asked. “No.”, she answered. “Then did your teacher explain to you?” “No. My teacher only told us to memorize.” “Hmm… then what’s the point memorizing them?!” I thought. This practice of memorizing without understanding was the prominent teaching method adopted in the ancient 私塾. The fact that modern schools today still do things this way shocked me. It seems that it hasn’t been changed since my days in primary school. Guess the educational system in China needs reformation.

Each time people have asked me what I hoped to achieve by a particular book, as if I generally had a grand strategy in mind. The truth is I wrote them not out of strategy, but simply because each book has said, “Write me.” However hard she might be to define, there is such a thing as a muse, and I have always and only operated under her orders. –M. Scott Peck, M.D.

I admire such authors. They write because writing is their calling in life. This should be the reason why books are written and published. I dislike authors who are motivated by money. Oh, maybe I’m wrong. I guess it’s hard to write only spontaneously when writing becomes one’s job, which is responsible to bring bread and butter on the table. Is it then a stupid idea to make your hobby your job? Hmm… Making your job your hobby is good but making your hobby your job might in the end kill both your hobby and your job.

I saw this metaphor somewhere: some people are like the Dead Sea. They are able to contain much thought in their minds and much emotion in their hearts. They keep thoughts and emotions to themselves, not sharing with others, most of the time. I guess none of the world’s writers/artists belong to this category. Expression must be one of the most important things in their lives. I' m not a Dead Sea either, but that doesn't make me a writer. That's why I'm appreciative and thankful for the presence of such people.

Favourite Verses of the Year

2007-12-11T11:46:00.001+08:00

Proverbs 4:23
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it [are] the issues of life.

Matthew 6:33

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

有感，记下

2007-12-10T00:15:00.000+08:00

“突然觉得，有幸成为嘉禾的父亲，真是我的荣幸。” --张勇弟兄

读张勇弟兄的博客（小嘉禾的爸爸）。最后一句很让我感动。

感谢神带给我们这样一个活生生的见证。

我认识到，不论我们在生活中经历什么，煎熬也好，幸福也罢，都不是最重要。最重要的是，我们走在神的旨意里，经历神，品尝主里的平安与喜乐。

我能说出这样的话，实在得感谢神的恩典。如果不是因为品尝了他的爱，自私如我是不可能说出如此这般的话的。

虽然口出如此的狂言，我却没有绝对的信心我可以在逆境中坚持这样的信念。因为我知道我太软弱，需要神的怜悯。

但想到有神在我身旁，我就什么都不怕了。

5 years

2007-12-07T14:44:00.000+08:00

Apparently, blogspot is not accessible in mainland China again.

Time flies so quickly that I sometimes need to stop to calculate the number of years I've been a Christian, the number of years that have passed since the last time I saw my primary sch best friend and (this is bad and good at the same time) even my own age!

It only dawned upon me just now that I've been a Christian for "5 years plus" while I've been telling people "4 years plus" over the past few weeks whenever ppl asked me the question. I had forgotten to update my memory. :-P

Thank God for His mercy and love during the 5 years plus!

Looking forward to holiday in China with my family. May the Lord bless our time together. :-)

林语堂

2007-11-23T21:00:00.001+08:00

他是最早把我引到基督教面前的人。

理由很简单：因为他是基督徒；因为我很喜欢他的书。

也是神让我在对的时间读到他的那些关于信仰的散文。

隔了多年，又把他的散文借回来读。今天写这篇，只是想记录一下他的其中一句话，刚读到时觉得很震撼。这篇写的是他对基督教产生疑问的那段时间：“然而非大着胆不拘礼节地说老实话，我们是不配谈真理的。”

说老实话着实不易。不拘礼节也真的很难。得罪人不说，最怕人家误解你的意思，然后给你贴个标签“XXX”，虽然你离“XXX”很远。讨论问题时，还没来得及阐明问题，就被对方稀里哗啦地说教一番。

我很欣赏坦诚。

就这样。

The meaning of life

2007-11-12T21:53:00.000+08:00

Inspired by a few sentences from C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity (by the way, C.S. Lewis' writings are really mind-stimulating. I love it!!), I decided to give a chronological record of what I regarded the meaning of life as at different stages of life. This blog is meant to be a genuine record and hopefully no judgemental remarks can be found (will unavoidably be implicitly implied though).

ONE
While I was educated in China, National Education was an essential part of education in schools. In primary school, we were encouraged to behave well and do well in studies so that we can join the Young Pioneers Group and wear red colar scarf (红领巾) to schools. The red scarf signifies a corner of the red flag of China which was dyed red by the blood of many soldiers in the process of fighting against the Japanese during Japanese occupation and the Kuomintang during the civil wars. We went to the cinemas to watch movies of how Chinese soldiers courageously fought against evil Japanese and every movie ended with Japanese defeated. We were taught to be loyal to the Communist Party because the Communist Party, led by Chairman Mao, was China's saviour. The reason why we lived peacefully and with enough food and shelter was due to the Party's effort in chasing away the enemies. To us, somehow, the Communist Party is synonymous to China. Being loyal to our country means being loyal to the Communist Party. I bet people around my age who received early education in China would remember this famous passage written by a Russian author that we memorized from our Chinese textbook:

人最宝贵的东西是生命,生命属于人只有一次.一个人的一生应该是这样度过的：当他回首往事的时候，他不会因为虚度年华而悔恨，也不会因为碌碌无为而羞耻；这样，在临死的时候，他就能够说：“我的整个生命和全部精力，都已经献给世界上最壮丽的事业——为人类的解放而斗争。” --尼古拉.奥斯特洛夫斯基(1904_1936) 《钢铁是怎样炼成的》

To die for one's country is glorious. A life that has died for a great cause is a meaningful one. I can still remember what was taught to us in the political studies textbook: The communist/socialist political system is the best political system in the world. For the human history evolved from slavery society to feudalist society to capitalist society to communist society. China was lucky to skip the capitalist stage of societal development. Although China has a long way to go to be a communist society where the goods are distributed according to individual needs, China is already on her way--she is at the early stage of socialist society now. We were told we were very fortunate growing up in a socialist country for many children from capitalist countries are starved and exploited by capitalists as child labour.

TWO
Then I came to Singapore. I witnessed how a capitalist society is in many ways better than the early stage of a socialist society. I've always been interested in history so it's natural that I then chanced upon books on China history, this time written in the English language, by foreigners or Chinese nationals who live overseas. I got to know some history that were unknown to me before: the great leap forward, the cultural revolution, the Tiananmen massacre etc.. I felt cheated by the (biased) opinions given by the political studies textbooks and (delibrate) omission of certain historial events in the history textbooks.

I was eager to embrace human rights, eager to start living for myself. My and my family's comfort in life was the top most important thing.

THREE
Then I accpeted Jesus Christ as my saviour. Up till now, to live for the Lord is my answer to the meaning of life. A previously self-centred life should now be a God-centred life.
I use "should" because that is what I ought to do and I know God's pleased with my decision. However I am still learning everyday how to and thankfully am gaining a better understanding of the importance of living for God. Think about it, it was really arrogant of me at the beginning of my conversion, to think that I understood very well I was bought by the blood of Jesus and that I was well capable of living for the Lord. However, during these 5 years of walk with the Lord, I've come to understand that it was much more complicated than I thought. Truly, it will take us eternity to know God.

Chapter 1 "The Three Parts of Morality", Book 3, Mere Christianity:
"If individuals live only seventy years, then a state, or a nation, or a civilisation, which may last for a thousand years, is more important than an individual. But if christianity is true, then the individual is not only more important but incomparably more important, for he is ever-lasting and the life of a state or a civilisation, compared with his, is only a moment. "

Sometimes

2007-11-05T23:33:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I think I need a bit of inspiration for life...

then I found it's everywhere

Sometimes I thought life's a bit mundane

then there came something that perked me up a little

Sometimes the day seemed a bit blue and blue was all I could think of

then there came a reminder that there are red and yellow, and they are two of the three original colours that possess the magical power of making all the possible colours on earth

Sometimes when I thought chocolates are only tongue-sweeteners

They proved to enrich my life more than I imagined

The Question

2007-11-04T00:11:00.000+08:00

To be or not to be? That is not the question.--To be, for sure.

To teach or not to teach? That is not the question.--To teach, for sure.

To be a dedicated and hopefully well-liked-by-the-students teacher, a I-try-to-do-my-part-well-but-don't-ask-for-more teacher or a salary-is-all-I-work-for teacher?

That is the question.

Talking about teaching during dinner with Mary and Ernest put me into thinking. We play double roles in N.I.E.. We are both the students and the teachers, for we take classes from our N.I.E. lecturers as well as teach classes to our classmates during presentations; we address our lecturers as teachers and our lecturers too address us as teachers. We reacted to teachers' teaching in ways our future students might have reacted. Most of our lecturers have teaching experiences in primary and secondary schools. We can easily spot the dedicated ones for they are still dedicated, passionate and interesting. We listen attentively to teachers who deliver interesting classes but for teachers who are long-winded and boring, we think they are as good as transparent--nobody listens when they are teaching, despite the fact that we know very well that students should respect a teacher by paying attention.

We are bad!

Which makes me think what kind of teacher I'd like to be next time? I might not be a fantastic teacher, but am I willing to try? For "A dilligent teacher might not be a good teacher, but a lazy teacher can never be a good teacher." --1 of N.I.E. lecturers.

Colleagues who have done contract teaching in schools complained a lot about the amount of work a teacher has to do apart from teaching and how the heavy workload left teachers no time for good preparation of lessons. If you want to do well in every aspect of a teacher's job scope, you ll have to sacrifice a lot of personal time. That's for sure. And you probably have to waste some time experiementing different kinds of teaching methods.

This semester's ending soon. I have been enjoying myself since the beginning. Next semester will be a real challenge for I ll start teaching real classes.

Think I still have time to explore the answer to my question.

游子吟

2007-10-25T13:36:00.000+08:00

I am reading this book recently. I believe it can speak to many who are struggle intellectually (or struggling against what they have been taught in schools) in accepting Jesus Chrsit.

My dad and I talked a bit about Christianity yesterday over the phone. Being an unbliever, brought up and educated in the Communist China, he is obviously a bit worried that I am being superstitious. He has nothing against my believing in Christ, but he's worried that I might not try my best in life but depended on God to do everything for me, 'coz I told him that I'm praying to God for my needs in life. When I assured him that God didn't teach us to wait around for things to happen, he did not press the issue of "superstition" further.

Then, it came to me as a surprise that he read a bit of the Bible that I lelft at home! Although he said he only read a little bit and found it ridiculous, I'm still happy that he made the attempt to read. Then my dad said:

Dad：基督教和其他宗教一样都是唯心主义(idealism）。

Xian：哇，爸，你什么时候开始研究哲学了？

Dad（未吱声）：宗教都是人们心里想出来的。

Xian：爸，你错了。基督教不是唯心主义（idealism），也不是唯物主义（materialism），而是唯实主义。

We didn't continue our discussion. I was laughing secretly as I have just read recently a brief discussion on them in the book above. Yet, because of that little knowledge I knew what he's talking about and could present my counter-point. I don't expect my dad to believe in Christ just because of what I said for it's the Holy Spirit who convicts, but I do hope my dad will stop thinking his daughter believed in Christ because she's superstitious but that his daughter knew why she believed in Christ.

I was convicted recently that as believers, we should really "put on the whole armor of God -- Eph 6:11a", so that we ll be more effective in facing challenges in life and in reaching out to others. Different people have different abilities. We should use our God-given strengths to speak for the Lord. I'll bring a copy of "youziyin" home this Dec. Hope the Lord will use that book to interest my father sufficiently to want to search for the truth. Pray that my parents will one day come to know Christ.

Electronic version available online: http://www.afcinc.org/afcsite/big_5code/literature/mc_lit/Song/prod-fram.htm

蚂蚁彬彬--完结篇

2007-10-23T21:55:00.000+08:00

蚂蚁彬彬念出树叶上的字：

“彬彬，很高兴你很有勇气地选择了B。实际上，当你看到这道选择题的时候，你就不得不选B了。因为，你已经知道了其他的生活方式的存在，即使你想安于现状，恐怕也会忍不住想想别处的青草地是否更加嫩绿。好奇心会时不时地搅扰你，让你探索与思考。勇于寻找真理的人，我相信，必能寻见。因为，主耶稣说过‘凡寻找的就寻见’。真理永远经得起时间的锤炼，是永恒存在的。寻不见的人，只是因为他们寻它寻得不够认真，不够迫切。彬彬，我问你，人生的意义是什么？是追求快乐么？”

彬彬读完树叶上的话，有点沾沾自喜。

可是，谁是“我”？这个“我”怎么知道我叫彬彬？谁是“主耶稣”？“人生的意义是什么？是追求快乐么？”人生？我只不过是一只蚂蚁。人的生命关我什么事？刚才的问题已经把我弄得头晕脑胀了。这个问题，很多人都没法回答。我这只有自知之明的蚂蚁，怎么能够回答？！莫名其妙。

彬彬想着想着，觉得有点懊恼。还是回家吃饭吧。他把树叶往旁边一扔，径直往家的方向走去。

可是，没走两步，树叶回到了他的手里！

无聊！彬彬再次把树叶扔了。这次，他使了很大的劲，把树叶扔得很远很远。他满意地往前走。

但是，没走两步，树叶又回到彬彬的手里了！

彬彬越来越懊恼，忍不住大喊起来：“谁？！这么无聊？！我不和你玩了！”

“哈哈。不好意思，彬彬。是我啦。”彬彬听到一个声音。人的声音！彬彬想起教科书上的有关人类的知识。根据他的初步认定，这个声音是个女声。

“你是谁？！”彬彬问，“你在哪里？”

“你把头抬起来就可以看到我了。”女声又说道。

彬彬半信半疑地抬起头。刚才在草地上躺了那么久都没看到什么啊。

哦！果然，彬彬看到一张大方脸。

这张方脸正慢慢地向他逼近。不远处，彬彬看到这张方脸正在用电脑打字。

“喂，方脸。你是谁？”

“我是你的作者啊。”

“哦。原来是你啊。首先我要提醒你一个常识上的错误。你知道我有多大么？你知道树叶有多大么？蚂蚁怎么可能把树叶握在手里呢？”

“哈哈。我的常识还真是满烂的。告诉你吧，我曾经把整粒鸡蛋放到微波炉里加热。结果鸡蛋在微波炉里爆炸。后来有朋友说，是个地球人都知道鸡蛋不能整粒放进微波炉。但，我这不是写童话来着吗？你不要太在意这种细节啦。”

“不对！”彬彬斩钉截铁地说，“你虽然是用童话的方式写的，在童话里蚂蚁可以讲话，可以读书，可以荡秋千，可以思考，但是蚂蚁把树叶握在手里还是太离谱了啦。这是我作为一个童话人物的诚恳意见。”

“好吧，好吧。我虚心接受你的意见。”

“其实你几段故事之间的衔接也够烂的。不过你想写时才写，也难怪啦。还有，为什么让我知道你的存在？！真没劲。本来以为我是唯一的主角，现在你来凑热闹了。”

“哎呀，本来我也不想凑热闹的。可是，写着写着就觉得还是直接由自己来说一些话比较恰当一些。”

“那你要说些什么啊？”

“刚刚开始写蚂蚁彬彬的时候，我的思绪很复杂。更可恶的是，那个时候，我对主耶稣的信心大大地动摇过。并不知道我具体要写什么，故事具体会如何发展。只是想记录一点这几个星期的思考内容。很多，很杂，很乱。可是，写到现在，有一些我理清了，所以想记录下来。”

“你真是够罗嗦的。有话直说。”彬彬托着下巴，一付准备洗耳恭听的样子。

“这是在做铺垫啦。你懂什么？！”

“我懂得树叶比蚂蚁大。”彬彬干笑。

“恩。你可能会觉得奇怪。但是两个星期前，我开始想人生的意义。我发现，我居然从来没有仔细思考过人生的意义是什么。以前也许有读到过，也许有人告诉我过。但是，我觉得日子似乎已经过到一定阶段，我需要寻找新方向。而要寻找新方向，我必须知道人生的意义是什么。我问过几个朋友，人活着最重要的事情是什么？一个说帮助他人，让他人得益，当他人得益的时候，你会感到快乐。另外几个说要快乐。几个人不约而同地说要快乐。显然，快乐，是很多人所追求的。而很多人追求快乐的方式不一样。那么说，只要快乐，人生就有意义？瞬息即逝的快乐，真的有意义么？怎么说，要追求的快乐应该也是深层的，永恒的吧？

那几天里，我似乎快乐了。快乐有的时候可以是一个选择。我发现，当一个人不是很在乎很多事情的时候，也就是当一个人欲望/愿望/期望很少的时候，他比较容易快乐。可是，当你不在乎很多事情的时候，活着就不会有动力了。没有动力的人生有什么意义？我站在图书馆的书架前找书，我坐在电脑面前打字，我走在回家的路上，我吃，我睡，我呼吸。我没有伤心，我有点快乐，却没有动力，有点绝望。我不是哲学家；但是我能用心感受我的生命。有无生气。我想我知道。

直到有一天，我听到这样一个答案：人生的意义在于追求永生。（来自远志明的DVD《福音》）

追求永恒！

人要追求永生。这几乎是不可推翻的事实。人人都有一死。而从古至今，人们都在重复地做同样的事情--延长自己的寿命或想方设法不死。

追求永生，很多人有很多方式。

华人觉得传承香火在一定意义上来说，就是自己生命的延续。有人认为，给周围的人带来快乐，让他们在自己死后记住自己，这样也是一种生命的延续。还有人认为，生命是延绵不绝的，今生，来生。

而主耶稣直接在《圣经》里阐明：“我实实在在地告诉你们，信的人有永生。”（约翰福音6:47 ）。

我的心里，深深地被主耶稣的道再次感动。并且，我更加确认了我的人生方向。认识创造万物，主宰宇宙的神，才是人生的最重要的事情。引用唐崇荣牧师的话，“人生什么是最主要的？主耶稣要的，就是最主要的。”主说：“你要尽心、尽性、尽意、尽力，爱主你的神。又要爱邻舍如同自己。”（路加10：27）。

通过这次思索的经历，我深深地忏悔自己信心的动摇，对主的怀疑，并再次降服在主的大能之下。我找到了生命的意义。求主保守我的信心。”

“恩。我为你感到高兴。”彬彬很真诚地说。

“谢谢。你相信吗？我又重新有刚刚重生的感觉。很踏实。很喜乐。”

彬彬点头，陷入深深的思考。

你找到生命的意义了么？

蚂蚁彬彬--3

2007-10-23T17:15:00.000+08:00

在梦中，彬彬见到高山流水，草地蓝天。大自然的魅力一幕幕地展现在彬彬眼前。彬彬突然从小蚂蚁变成了大巨人，轻而易举地穿梭于群山峻岭。

当夜幕轻轻地盖在彬彬身上时，彬彬揉揉眼皮，舍不得醒过来。

追求快乐是人的本能。受到这种本能的驱使，人们不自觉地在周围找寻快乐。有些人觉得过一天算一天，当下的开心就是全部。有一句很经典的手表广告词：不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有。事实上，真的是这样吗？人们真的不在乎天长地久么？不在乎的人是在自我安慰，还是对现实的妥协？

彬彬终于睁开惺松的双眼。伸伸懒腰，一眼看见手里还握着的树叶。

这片树叶是谁的？这些字是谁写的？这个问题，我该怎么回答呢？

彬彬迟疑了好一会儿。勇敢地决定选择B。彬彬愿意相信这个世界还有＂真正＂的存在，虽然在学校，在社会上，＂真正＂类的事情已经越来越少，所有的事情都被＂相对化＂了。没有真正的善，没有真正的恶，坏人不是真正的坏人，好人也不是真正的好人。

然而，这种对＂真理＂的追求还是像一股强大的力量，促使人们不断探索，不断追求。这就是为什么人们在不断思考和钻研，希望不断在方方面面取得进步。

彬彬举起树叶，发现A和B选项旁边居然各有个小小的按钮。彬彬举起食指，慎重地按在B选项按钮上。

树叶上的字慢慢淡化，消失。紧接着，新的字又一个个地蹦出来了！

彬彬觉得好稀奇，连忙跑到月光底下，捧着树叶，仔细地读起来。

蚂蚁彬彬--2

2007-10-22T23:19:00.001+08:00

彬彬好奇地凑近那片特别的树叶，一字一句地读出树叶上的字：

如果让你选择，你选哪一个？
A. 从小到大，你只会接触到一种生活方式，但你会快乐
B. 你会接触到很多种不同的生活方式，你有权利选择一种你要的。在这个选择的过程中，你可能会困惑，而最后你可能会找到真正的快乐，也可能找不到

彬彬扰扰头，想起自己的生活方式。是的，从小到大，他跟着大家过日子。大家做什么彬彬就跟着做什么。生活方式，总的归纳，只有一个。简单，也伴随着简单的快乐。

“我有必要接触其他的生活方式吗？”彬彬想。彬彬显然是只懂得知足的蚂蚁。

可是，真正的快乐...... 什么是真正的快乐？听起来比A选项中的“快乐”要好很多。因为这个快
乐是“真正的快乐”。听起来很有诱惑力。

彬彬的好奇心被强烈地激发。

好奇心在瞬间让彬彬心潮澎湃。

可是，可是...... 彬彬的眼光落在B选项的最后一句：“在这个选择的过程中，你可能会经历困惑，而最后你可能会找到真正的快乐，也可能找不到”。首先，什么是困惑？彬彬想起头晕的感觉。即使经历困惑，却最终却不一定能找到“真正的快乐”。我值得为此牺牲我已经有的快乐么？

彬彬越想头越晕。和平常不同的是，彬彬没有去荡秋千。他跑到草地上，躺下，在心里用彩色笔在蓝蓝的天空中勾出一朵一朵的彩云。这一招是彬彬的法宝，能让彬彬在任何时候迅速入眠。也许你也能试试。:-)

彬彬果然很快就睡着了。彬彬做了个梦。

蚂蚁彬彬--1

2007-10-17T14:03:00.000+08:00

有一只小蚂蚁，他的名字叫彬彬。他没有爸爸，也没有妈妈。理论上来说，他应该有，可是在动物世界，不知道自己的爸爸妈妈是谁是一件很正常的事情。所以他一点都不觉得伤心难过。他和很多其他的蚂蚁住在一起。大家成天都忙忙碌碌的。彬彬也不例外。虽然很多时候他很想偷懒，但是因为大家都在辛勤地劳动，如果他一个人停下来休息，他觉得很不安全，很不入主流。所以，他选择和大家一起劳动。每天要做的事情都差不多，大家分头寻觅食物。如果有蚂蚁找到好吃的东西，他们就会有秩序地跟着那只蚂蚁，来到食物所在地。大家齐心协力地把食物搬回洞里。

那种大家一起齐心协力的感觉很棒。彬彬不知道为什么，但是每当自己走在队伍里，把自己融入集体，他都有一种很好的感觉。每当这时，彬彬都会告诉身边的朋友--“我很快乐”。“快乐”这个词是从人类那儿学来的。彬彬知道“快乐”就是感觉很好的意思。他很喜欢。彬彬不知道他为什么叫彬彬。他很想把自己的名字改成“快乐”。可是，大家叫彬彬已经叫习惯了。要改名是很困难的，彬彬不想给自己和别人太大的麻烦。

彬彬有的时候头会很晕，感觉像在飞。他不知道为什么。这个时候，他喜欢荡秋千。因为荡秋千可以让他忘记头晕的感觉。荡得累了，彬彬就躺在旁边的小树叶下睡觉。这时候，他觉得很快乐。

其实彬彬懂得的事情不少，因为彬彬除了每天干活，他也每天都上学。他不知道自己为什么要什么要上学。但是，因为大家都在上学，所以他也要去上学。彬彬知道在学校有很多好玩的事情发生。在学校彬彬觉得很快乐。但是，上的学越多，彬彬头晕的感觉就来得越来越频繁。所以，他荡秋千的次数也越来越多。彬彬喜欢荡完秋千在树叶下睡觉的感觉。他觉得很快乐。

有一天，彬彬遇到一片树叶。这是一片很特别的树叶。树叶上面有字。

To Cactus

2007-10-09T16:44:00.000+08:00

亲爱的仙仙：

安！希望这封信能为你带去阳光般的笑容，持久的。

知道你最近有点灰心。我想和你说，无论何时何刻，都要积极。我们的神是信实的神。希望你能在主里找到前进的力量。不要畏惧。我给你多多的勇气。

你看到朋友写coronation plaza，也突然想怀旧一把。二楼的西餐室。可爱的老板娘，她是否还会要求你只点六元的学生套餐？

厨房里的壁虎似乎已经长大成人，变得越来越嚣张。不知壁虎的平均寿命多长。只希望它能快点消失。

厨房的水壶似乎有点问题。已经烧坏了两个插头。

有些事情其实还真是简单。绞脑汁的活动适量就好。

送你一篇管家琪的幽默童话。我才看了开头，不过好像很好笑的样子。

笑口常开！

你的，
鱼诺诺

A new week's coming!

2007-09-29T23:17:00.001+08:00

It's been a busy week;
a great week nonetheless.

I am

磁铁和铁

2007-09-29T22:48:00.000+08:00

有一块霸道的磁铁
横在马路中间
有一块无辜的铁
不小心经过

铁说你无理
磁铁说你活该

后来，
铁也变成了磁铁

铁的S极对着磁铁的S极
磁铁的N极对着铁的N极

铁觉得很放心

铁觉得很安全

转：《接受祝福的人》

2007-09-27T13:34:00.000+08:00

这个作者不是基督徒，写的这篇散文诗却极有智慧和洞察力。惭愧。

我向上帝祈祷，祈求他赐予我力量，以助我有所建树，
谁知他竟赐我软弱，并嘱我学会谦虚。

我向上帝祈祷，祈求他赐予我健康，以助我攻克万难，
谁知他竟赐我疾病，并嘱我做更有意义之事。

我向上帝祈祷，祈求他赐予我财富，以使我活得幸福，
谁知他竟赐我艰难，并嘱我需变得聪颖。

我向上帝祈祷，祈求他赐予我成功，以得到世人的赞美，
谁知他竟赐我失败，并嘱我切勿妄自尊大。

我想上帝祈祷，祈求他让我拥有全部，从此可尽享生活，
谁知他只赐我生活本身，可以体会一切的生活本身！

我祈祷的东西，上帝连一件都没有给我。但是，我所有的愿望，
却全部梦想成真！
虽然，我的人生，未能按我的意愿而行，
然而，我心中那些无法表达的愿望，他却令我全部得以实现！

no title

2007-09-25T10:28:00.000+08:00

N.I.E.

2007-09-22T13:47:00.000+08:00

I've never enjoyed school so much before. Oh, maybe yes, but that was when I was in primary 4. I looked forward to seeing my crush everyday then, and now I look forward to meeting my great project mates everyday. Surely I'll miss them next week 'coz it s the reading week. :-(

突然不知道该从哪里开始写起。(For me, Chinese is the language for more sentimental stuff; hence the natural code-switch. :-P) 似乎很多事情发生了，可是一切却过去得那么快。还没来得及坐下来好好梳理。时间在我指间流过。今天未能K歌，正好让我有机会坐下来好好想想。

进学院之前，甚至直到认识符老师和小组成员之前，我都觉得我只是在做一份我应该做的事情，而进教育学院只是工作的一部分。后来，是身边的人让我觉得我属于教育学院，我适合干教育这一行。特别是小学老师。一群大人聚在一起像小孩一样地同乐。模拟教学多了，扮小学生多了，居然有点“入戏太深”（套用班上一个同学的说法）。“爱的亲亲”，“爱的鼓励”，说起来做起来好像吃饭一样平常。老师万岁！

于是，我真的很享受当下。在学院，走在夕阳下，忍不住想要拥抱整个学院，来个“爱的亲亲”。

这个生日收到超多祝福，熟悉的，陌生的，甜美的，平淡的，惊喜的，以及心不在焉的。

感谢我亲爱的组员朋友们：阿妮，小燕子，auntie Lilian，auntie Christina和小娘。还有April。:-)

这张照片是从阿妮的博客挖来的。:-)
小妮子好有心。

我爱你们！

我第一次模拟教学后的照片。:-)

中秋节的庆祝活动。第一排中间的气质美女是我喜欢的符老师！:-)

我可以

2007-09-22T13:24:00.001+08:00

我可以拒绝眼泪
却拒绝不了感动

我可以拒绝点头
却拒绝不了认同

我可以拒绝叹气
却拒绝不了失望

我可以拒绝微笑
却拒绝不了惊喜

我可以拒绝眨眼
却拒绝不了疑惑

我可以是一座冰山
巍然耸立
心
却已经融化

时差

2007-09-22T11:22:00.000+08:00

我有一块手表
你也有一块手表
虽然
我们站在地球的同一片土地
你的手表和我的手表
却永远显示着不一样的时间

我们之间永远有时差

2007-09-17T23:24:00.001+08:00

如此的收获
我忍不住地感恩

那份感动
还在温暖我的心
直到今天

符老师万岁。:-)

Key points from "Ordering your private world" by Gordon Macdonald

2007-09-01T22:58:00.000+08:00

Motivation
The driven person v.s. the called person

Use of Time (Time must be properly budgeted for the gathering of inner strength and resolve in order to compensate for one's weaknesses when spiritual warfare begins.)
*clearly understand the mission
*understand your own limits

Macdonald's law of unseized time: 1. unseized time flows toward my weaknesses; 2. unseized time comes under the influence of dominant people in my world; 3. unseized time surrenders to the demands of all emergencies; 4. unseized time gets invested in things that gain public acclamation.

Recapturing time: 1. must know my rhythms of maximum effectiveness; 2. must have good criteria for choosing how to use my time; 3. seize time and command it when I budget it far in advance.

Wisdom and Knowledge
1. The cost of mental flabbiness; the danger of being a fast starter; 2. the need to discipline our minds (mind must be trained to think, to analyze, to innovate), ("No vital Christianity is possible unless at least three aspects of it are developed. These three are the inner life of devotion, the outer life of service, and the intellectual life of rationality." -- Elton Trueblood).

Putting yourself in a growing mode
objective 1. the mind must be disciplined to think christianly; 2. the mind must be taught to observe and appreciate the messages God has written in creation; 3. the mind must be trained to pursue information, ideas, and insights for the purpose of serving the people of my public world.

Organizing your mind to make it grow: 1. we grow by becoming listeners; 2. we grow through reading; 3. we grow through disciplined study.

Spiritual Strength
Silence and solitude (listening to God, journal keeping); Praying.

Restoration
Rest (sabbath rest).

The giving tree

2007-08-18T14:34:00.000+08:00

Here is a flash version: http://www.readinglife.com/activity/givingtree/givingtree.html

ThankGod for inspiring people around me. Thank God for a great time in NIE. Really enjoy what I'm learning now, well, most of. Came to love children's picture books very much recently, after taking Ms. Foo's module on children's literature. And after a small talk with one of my tutors who was previously an actress in a local drama production team, I told Zhe'r (my roommate) with enthusiasm, "I might join the drama production team after I finish my bond with MOE." Zhe'r turned around and commented indifferently, "Finish your bond first." Ok, she knows very well how often I come up with idealistic new ideas. *wink* I always think far ahead. :-P

2007-07-19T18:07:00.001+08:00

是什么时候
你恋上喧嚣

又是什么时候
你细心地拾回幽静

人有两面
动和静
你属于哪个？
你适合哪个？

或，哪个更适合你？

敲敲心

喂，你可曾迷失？

心底的东西
任凭岁月洗刷

静静的

原来，
你不曾变过

Re: Wen's comment on Faith

2007-06-15T13:13:00.000+08:00

Here, Wen's comments:
Wen: forgot the smiley :-)
Wen: actually i disagree that the 1st farmer had faith (see James 2:14-17)

In case I forget the smiley. Here it is: :-) !!! (emphasized by exclamation marks :P)

The following is just what I think with my limited knowledge of the Bible. I'm open to comments. :)

Firstly, I think, faith is a cognitive activity. Look at this entry from Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary:

Main Entry: 1faith Pronunciation: 'fAthFunction: nounInflected Form(s): plural faiths /'fAths, sometimes 'fA[th]z/Etymology: Middle English feith, from Anglo-French feid, fei, from Latin fides; akin to Latin fidere to trust -- more at BIDE1 a : allegiance to duty or a person : LOYALTY b (1) : fidelity to one's promises (2) : sincerity of intentions2 a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust3 : something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs

Faith is synonymous to belief, which is a mental activity. Whereas, "work" is a physical activity (entry on "work" is a bit too long; therefore not reproduced here).

James 2:14-17
14 What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? 15 If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good [1] is that? 17 So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

Faith and work are referred to as two different things in the verses above.

Faith and work are two separate entities/activities. Neither is an integral part of the other. But in a Christian's walk with the Lord, they are closely associated with each other and both are important. Grasping the dynamics betweent the two is important.

In the verse "faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead", faith is said figuratively to be dead if work is not present. The point behind this figurative speech is that faith is useless without work; it does not mean that faith does not exist if work is not there. On the contrary, if you have only work but not faith in the Lord then you are working with your own strength.

One more point to add, I think the faith we are discussing here is not the saving faith. For the Bible says in Ephesians 2:8-10 "For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them."

For salvation, faith alone is enough. Believe and be saved.

Stories I like

2007-06-09T22:37:00.000+08:00

Top 10 as of June 2007
:)
1. Pirates of Caribbean
2. Emma
3. Little Women
4. Wives and Daughters
5. 白蛇传
6. Jane Eyre
7. Pride and Prejudice
8. Sense and Sensibility
9. 情深深雨朦朦
10. The Moonstone

Preparing the Field

2007-06-09T21:18:00.000+08:00

Have been busy lately.

This is so far the best Christian film I've ever seen. Inspiring.

The story told by one of the characters in the film that influenced the main protagonist Taylor Grant positively and at the same time left a deep impression in my mind:

There were two farmers, both praying to God for rain. One stayed in his house, kept praying day and night. The other prayed and went out to prepare his field to receive the rain. Who do you think had faith in the Lord?

Standard answer: The one who went ahead to prepare the field after praying.

However, I think both of them had faith in the Lord. It's just that the one who went out to prepare the field had a better idea of how the Lord works. The Lord blesses the deligent, ceteris paribus (if deligence is one of the most important variables). I guess it's not uncommon for Christians to be passive sometimes. I'm sometimes guilty of it too. Recently, I began to understand better that Christianity is really a partnership between God and His children. God is in very level of our lives. He cares for every tiny bit of our lives. Even the most mundane or seemingly unspiritual parts.

Preparing the field is equally important as praying.

Thank God for his goodness.

I'm

2007-05-25T18:13:00.000+08:00

I'm tired...

(source: www.cartoonstock.com)

But I'm happy.

(source: http://static.flickr.com/142/322850774_196d456544.jpg)

Conclusion

2007-05-25T17:00:00.000+08:00

(source: www.jungatlanta.com)

Finally, I've reached the conclusion of my little project. I'm glad that my third attempt to write my stories wasn't like the first two, although it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be. I had thought of a chronological account with many details. However, as I started typing, I found it to be an unpractical idea for I prefer keeping many things to myself and friends. This is a convenient place to stop. After my two years in Putian, I came to Singapore. Another major change in my life. I feel my reluctance to write about my life in Sg at this moment. The memories of those early years are too near to me. They feel like things that happened only yesterday. Memory is most valuable when the people in your memory are not physically close to you. Therefore, you use memory to keep them close.

Perhaps I should revise my opinion in the preface about how you can view things more truthfully after some time. Now I think it needs modification--the length of "some time" plays an important role. If the time elapsed from the time when a certain event took place is long (say 10 years), people tend to view this particular event more pleasantly. Time is the magician. What was too painful for us in the past can become mild later on. When memories are sieved through by time, the good ones tend to stay and the bad ones are more often ignored or become somewhat good in other ways. So what should be a good length of time to view things in the past truthfully? I don't know. Perhaps there's no such thing as what is truthful. We are created by God to live our individual lives fully on earth. Every experience is important. The feeling of things when they are happenning and the feeling of thinking about those things in the future are equally precious.

Anyway (I'm getting a bit confused now), fond memories are definitely valuabe in life. =)

Hairstyle

2007-05-25T16:40:00.000+08:00

The following pic pretty much sums up how my hairstyle changed in childhood and early teenage years. (Pic's taken by digicam; therefore the lousy quality.)

In the first 14 years or so, my hairstyles followed the cyclic pattern of ear-length to slightly-longer-than-shoulder-length. I didn't know why I had to go through the cycle again and again and didn't stop to ponder about it. It was just how things were. People could only saw the pattern much later. When I was 15, I made a brave decision to break out from the cyclic pattern and tried something new--something I didn't dare to try coz I thought I would be extremely ugly in this hairstyle. After much mental struggle and the encouragement from a friend who went ahead to get her hair cut short, I got my sporty look too! To my great relief, I didn't look ugly. And the good thing about this hairstyle was that it was so much cooling in Summer and so hassle-free. Therefore, I kept this hairstyle for several years until I decided to have my long hair back at the end of JC2.

He Jiong

2007-05-25T16:00:00.000+08:00

He's a teacher of the Arabic language in Beijing Foreign Language Univeristy. He's a TV host of several popular programs in different TV stations. He's a DJ. He sings and has launched a few albums. He acts in plays.

He's a superman.

I loved his humourous and witty remarks when I watched programs he hosted and admired his ability to take on so many responsibilities in life. I had always dreamt of being someone like him when I first began to like him in early 1997. His shows brought to me much laughter. To me, he is the "better me". He wrote his autobiographical book when he was 24 (1998). I bought the book and read through many times. A few years back, I sometimes wrote my diary as letters to him. Of course, I never posted those letters and didn't intend to. I needed an imaginary audience and I thought he was the perfect listener.

I no longer wrote letters to him and had not watched his TV shows for quite some time. But I often took out his book to read and thought about how he was the realization of many of my dreams. I continued to read news about him and watched his program occassionally. Before I wrote this entry, I flipped through his book again. As I browsed through his book, many pleasant memories came to my mind. His book helped me preserve some of my fond memories. Then, the word "qing xing" (circled in pink) jumped up to me.

Coincidentally, my roommate commented something similar about me recently. I'm glad that we shared some similarities. I've now reached his age when he wrote the book.

I can't say for sure how much influence he as a celebrity has on me, but he definitely inspired me a lot by his many talents and his positive attitude towards life.

We moved again...

2007-05-25T15:02:00.000+08:00

This time, from Liancheng back to Putian (in the year 1996).

I was over-excited about moving back to Putian. I loved the idea of moving house 'coz I had been hoping my family could move house for a very long time. Having stayed in Liancheng for 8 years, I thought I would be much happier moving back to Putian. I said goodbye to all my friends in Liancheng, without feeling even a little sad. It's until I settled down in our new house in Putian that I realized I missed my friends a lot. What I thought would be a familiar place to me turned out to be totally strange. I had to make new friends again in my new school. Having been away for so long, my Putian dialect had become really rusty. Unfortunately, almost everyone in school conversed in dialect outside classes. I couldn't bring myself to speak lousy Putian dialect; therefore I spoke to my classmates in Mandarin and they spoke to me in dialect. How weird! But we got used to that after a while. Slowly, I began to make new friends. But I still missed my old friends back in Liancheng. In the next two years, I spent a lot of time writting letters.

My new school in Putian was a lot more boring than my original school in Liancheng. I was in grade two of Junior Middle then (equivalent to sec 2). The teachers emphasized a lot on studies. I continued to do quite well in my studies. But I also began to look for other more interesting things to do. Read novels, watched TV and applied to be a broadcaster in school's radio station. I began to spend more time in solitude. My mum was a bit worried that I locked myself in my room most of the time. Although my dad was reluctant to believe that I was reading serious adult novels (e.g. Liang Xiaosheng and Lu Yao's novels) initially, he borrowed books from me later on. But I was still a teenager, I read lots of teenage stuff too. Teenage novels were really popular then. I read tons of them. And the romance novels by Qiong Yao of course, which reinforced my romantic genes even more. I became a dreamer. And remained one for a long time...

Juan

2007-05-25T14:36:00.000+08:00

(source: www.hopecounselingcenter.org)

My friends and I celebrated our last "International Children's Day" on 1 June, 1996. I was grateful to have met many good friends in my childhood. Among them, Juan was the dearest one. We haven't seen each other for about 11 years, but I still feel close to her. Our life paths differ greatly after we separated in 1996, but we still strongly believe that we'll be friends for a life time. She went to Beijing for university and stayed there to work after graduation. Really hope to visit her some time in the near future. Here is an article I wrote about her two years ago. The feelings still hold true today.

Stone

2007-05-25T13:10:00.000+08:00

Stone was my first crush. :p We became good friends in primary four. Our desks were near each other for quite some time, although we were not deskmates. I was the mointor and he the deputy so we had to work together sometimes. We were both chosen to participate in essay-writing and mathematics competitions, so we went for trainings together.

One thing I remember best about Stone was the cards he gave me every year during the Christmas time. At that time, giving out cards was a new thing. One day in P3, a group of classmates gathered together in class. I was curious so I joined them to find out what they were doing. Everyone was looking at a card that one classmate received, with envy. I didn't really think receiving cards was anything to be wow-ed at. But still I exclaimed, "Wow, what a beautiful card." A while later, Stone came to tell me "I will give you a card tomorrow." Obviously, he heard me just now. The next day, he passed me a nice postcard. In the next two years, he gave me a card every year in Dec. I was really appreciative but I didn't even thank him or give him any card in return.

I thought he was the most handsome guy in our class, so unconsciously I began to take note of my appearance. One day, my mum said my hair had grown too long and insisted on tying two pony tails for me. I had this wierd idea that I looked really ugly with two pony tails so I refused and wanted to tie only one. But my hair was not long enough to tie only one, so my mum won in the end. When I walked into the classroom, I was nervous and wanted to avoid Stone. But we were sitting near each other. Unless Stone was blind, he couldn't not see my new hairstyle. I was embarrassed when he saw me and commented that I changed my hairstyle. For the whole of that day, I felt extremely uncomfortable. The next day, I went to school with hair un-tied.

pic captured by digicam (lousy quality)

After p4, Stone went to attend a pre-middle school class in No.1 Middle School. I remained in the old primary school. One year later, I too was admitted into the same school. But somehow, we became strangers. We saw each other in school but didn't greet or speak to each other. It was only after I went back to Putian later on (a year later) that we got in touch with each other again (Finally, I thought it would be such a pity to lose touch with a good friend, so I sent him a postcard during the New Year.) And we are still friends today, although we haven't met for more than 10 years. He's still cheerful and fun-loving. Really hope to visit him some time. =)

Graduated

2007-05-25T11:34:00.000+08:00

(source: www.perham.k12.mn.us)

Exam results were out this morning.

I've officially graduated from NUS!

Commencement's on 8 July, 3pm. (Sunday afternoon. What a great time! Most people will be free. =D)

Thank God for seeing me through my four years in university.

Monitor

2007-05-24T22:35:00.000+08:00

I played through my kindergarten years. When I started my primary school I was still a really confused kid. The primary school near my house was the best in the city. Before the start of primary one, the school gave a crash course for all students registering in the school. At the end of the crash course, a test was be given and students would be assigned to different classes according to their academic performance. I didn't study at all during the short-term course and screwed up my test. On the day of the formal registration, I was really afraid when my dad and I went through the class lists. I was afraid that my dad would scold me for not performing for the test and being assigned to the lousiest class. So we went through the lists together, meticulously searching for my name. Once, twice and thrice. My name was nowhere to be found! Did they forget to put my name in? Or did I do so badly that the school didn't want to take me in? For a moment, I really regretted not studying hard for the crash course. My dad then went to the general office to enquire after my registration for the new school term. To my great relief, the school finally put me in the last class which was for students with worst test results. As to the reason why my name was not on the class lists, I never found out. I was just happy to get a place in the school.

So I officially started my primary school! And I enjoyed school life although not the studies initially (In the first year, my mum had to discipline me to study and do my homework). Throughout my time in primary school, I was assigned to take on different responsibilities in the class. Among them, the positions of monitor and study representative were the most common two. I liked being the monitor and disliked being the study representative as I thought the monitor had much more power at hand than the study representative who usually had nothing to do although being the study representative meant you were one of the best students academically in the class.

My first experience with being a monitor was an interesting one. In the first few days of school, I went around telling all my classmates that I was assigned the class monitor by our form teacher when actually I was not. The class monitor hadn't been chosen at that time. I still don't understand, up till today, how I came up with this idea. For some strange reasons, I was strongly convinced that I would be chosen the class monitor. So I went around commanding my fellow classmates to listen to me and obey what I said, until the news got to our form teacher and she said that she was only going to appoint the class monitor a while later. On the day of appointment, I behaved extremely well, sat on my bench with back straight and looked at my form teacher expectantly. Yet, she disappointed me. Another girl was chosen the class monitor and I was only the deputy.

Later in primary three, I was finally chosen the class monitor, but completely out of my expectation this time. On the first school, my form teacher walked into the class and the first question she asked was "Who is XXX(my name)?" I stood up. She looked at me and said "I'd like you to be the class monitor." I was confused. Perhaps to justify herself, she paused and asked who the original class monitor was the year before. Fellow classmates named "Stone". She then asked everyone to choose among two of us one to be the class monitor and the other the deputy. Mysteriously, I won 'coz I thought Stone's very popular in class. I later recalled the pleasant first encounter between my form teacher and I during the registration for new term a few days ago. I believed my good manner during the registration must have left her a deep impression which led to my appointment as the class monitor.

Anyway, I was really happy about being the class monitor, taking up various responsibilities and most importantly having power to discipline my classmates when teachers are not around. Many exciting things happened during those two years. I was close to the teachers and my classmates liked me. School became a fun place to me.

I was the class monitor in P3 and P4. In primary five (my last year in primary school), students were re-organized into different classes. I was transferred to another class where Juan (who later became my best friend) was the monitor and I the study rep.

We moved...

2007-05-24T17:13:00.000+08:00

Mother and I joined father in Liancheng (a small city in the same province) when I was four. The straight line in the map below links the two cities, indicating the shortest distance between the two cities--Putian & Liancheng, one a coastal city and the other a mountainous city.

Of course, many changes came in to my life due to the change of environment. Two of which were to do with the use of language. I pondered about my early linguistic experience many times during the course of my study in Linguistics in university.

Firstly, there's the language shift. I could only speak the Putian dialect when I first arrived in Liancheng where the majority converse in Putonghua (Mandarin). Liancheng and a few of its surrounding cities are the place where the Hakkas reside. There were tons of different Hakka dialects in Liancheng alone, not to mention the whole area populated with Hakka people. In Liancheng, people from different towns spoke different dialects and could not understand each other. Therefore, Mandarin was the convenient lingua franca. I was completely helpless when I found I couldn't understand people around me. At the same time, I was amazed to learn that my mum could converse in Mandarin--something I didn't know before coming to Liancheng. But children are fast-learners of language. In no time, I managed to learn to speak Mandarin fluently, although I don't remember how. And as I spoke Mandarin more and more often, I spoke less and less Putian dialect. Eventually, I spoke only Mandarin and spoke Putian dialect only when I needed to converse with my grandparents back in Putian which was quite rare as we went back to Putian only about once a year, usually during the Chinese New Year.

Secondly, my mum stopped calling me by my nickname "meimei" (means little sister) and I began to address my mum as "ma1" instead of calling her nickname "Ah Zhen". HY was puzzled when I told her that I called my mum by her nickname when I was small because she thought the traditional social hierarchy (hence its manifestation in the address forms) should be very much emphasized in China. I don't know why, but it's true in Putian that many people of my mum's generation address their parents, grandparents and relatives by their nicknames (usually "ah" plus the last character of the person's name). Addressing family members by honorific terms was actually a fashionable thing in the beginning of 80s in Putian. I guess it must have been weird for me to adapt to the changes in names.

When I've adapted to the changes in environment (which I believe was quite soon), I began making friends with kids in the neighbourhood and enjoyed playing with them. Time flied. One year later, my younger sister was born. I was five then. And I began helping my parents taking care of my little sister sometimes. Life was less fun after my little sister was born (as I had less time to play), I used to think so very often in the first few years after my little sister was born. I was a selfish kid.

Here's a pic of my mother and I. My mum was pregnant with my little sister when the photo was taken.

River

2007-05-23T12:13:00.000+08:00

The first 4 years of my life was spent in a village called "xi jiang bian" (word for word translation--west river side). I really can't remember a lot about the first few years. According to my little aunt (mother's 2nd younger sister), I was a very noisy kid. She often recalled how I used to entertain her and her friends when she brought me to watch operas. Then she would sigh and ask quizically "How did you become so quiet when you grew older?" When talking about the past, my eldest cousin (paternal aunt's elder son who's 10 years older than me) enjoyed recounting to me whenever I visit his own family in Xiamen that I used to hit him with a rod and run away when he visited "west river side" with his mother.

My memory of then was an incomplete picture made of jigsaw pieces. I remember, being the eldest grand-daughter, I didn't have any companions to play with me at home. The adults were always busy with their own things. There was a sister next door whom I enjoyed playing with. But when she started attending school, her grandfather would always chase me away when I went to look for her, saying that she needed to do her homework. I remember I was sent to attend a primary school in the village, probably because my mum thought school's a good place to consume my ernergy and time. But I quit after a while, because I was too young to concentrate in classes. When my paternal grandma's too busy to take care of me, my mum would take me to my maternal grandma's house (another village half an hour's bus ride away). There, my great-grandma's always free to take me to places.

But yes, there was a little river in the village. When there's no one around to play with me, I went to the river side and played with various plants that I plucked up along the bank. The river left a deep impression on my mind. And it almost became a reference to me whenever I thought of river later on in life. When studied about pollution in geography in primary school, I imagined how my little river was being polluted by rubbish from factories. When my junior middle school friends mentioned how they learnt how to swim just by playing in water when they were young, I thought if I had lived in "west river side" for a bit longer, I could have learnt how to swim myself in my little river. When I read about gollum killing a friend to get the ring along a river in "The Lord of the Rings", I imagined the fight between them taking place beside my little river.

I haven't been back to "west river side" for more than 10 years. I remember vaguely that the river's later polluted by rubbish from households, sadly. This morning, I took out my long-deserted Chinese painting colours (Quite a number of the colours have solidified; therefore I could only work with a limited no. of colours.. Anyway I was too lazy to use many colours. :P) and brushes, trying to recapture what I can remember of my little river. (Pls excuse my lousy drawing. :P)

After I've done, I used my digicam to take a picture of the final product.

So, that's me (the small figure in orange) sitting on the stone steps along the river bank. :D

Preface

2007-05-16T21:26:00.000+08:00

I was afraid of growing up all my life, until one day I felt it's not too bad growing up after all. That's not when I cut my 21st birthday cake. It was much later. So late that I thought I was going to dread growing up all my life and that being an adult is not different from being a child.

I knew very well, even as a child, what it would be like to be a "da4 ren2" (big person--adult). Being an adult meant, to me, no spare time to play, no schooling (I used to love sch a lot), loss of interest in fun things like cartoon and comics. Adults (at least those ard me then) seemed boring to me. I still remember how I lay on my bed, lamenting leaving primary school after my primary school leaving exams. It was tough growing up. Repeated failures in life led me to be afraid of growing up even more. I used to tell myself, I would still read fairytales when I'm 30, still watch children's programs when I'm 40, still quarrel with my sister over her little toys when I'm 50. Oh, but how silly that seemed now. Here I am, not even 30, yet I've stopped reading fairytales, stopped watching children's programs and stopped caring about how many toys my sister has. People grow up, whether you like it or not. And things just change when you are older. One thing I didn't expect as a child was that it can feel good to know that you've grown up. So what made me feel like an adult and feel good about it? The peace in my heart to accept who I am. The willingness to accept the world as it is. The patience to accept people as who they are. That said, I also realized there are going to be more challenges in an adult's life. May the Lord continue to teach me and help me grow.

I believe it's one of human's great preoccupations to write their own stories. That's why we have so many historical documents and a department of history in many universities. I, a lay person, has the desire to record my life too. I started keeping personal journals in junior middle school. But that was not enough to me. I had always wanted to write about my life and share them with my friends. The first time I thought of writing my life story was when I just finished my primary school leaving exams, inspired by a children TV drama serial named "My Story". So I started. But I didn't even finish one single story, 'coz I was too lazy and spent my time playing with my friends every day. The second time was when I finished my O level exams. This time, I did start, but I quit very soon, as I found that I couldn't write my own stories honestly. I was trained to write good narrative essays in school. My essays used to score high marks (when I was in China) because I knew exactly what the teachers wanted. My narratives were always overtly emotional. Of course, I made up all the stories to make my essays more interesting. When asked to write about "my mother", I wrote how my mother who's working as a teacher put her students' needs above mine, when actually my mother's not a teacher. When asked to write about a memorable thing happened in the past, I wrote how I stole a book from a bookstore when I was only 4 years old and got caught, when I knew very well I didn't have the gut to do that sort of thing. Therefore, when I started trying to document my life, I unconsciously added in spices here and there until I felt frustrated and gave up. I didn't want my writting to ruin my memory.

I guess very often we need some time to pass before we can face certain things in the past truthfully. Therefore, here I am, making my third attempt at writing my stories. I shall use the writing time to comb through my memories and hope it will help me prepare myself to move forward to the next phase of my life. I'm going to start working soon. =)

nostalgic?

2007-05-01T13:59:00.000+08:00

It was 7pm plus when I finished my 4th paper of the semester yesterday. I decided it's time to feel nostalgic. What do you do when you feel nostalgic?

For lack of a better idea, I took two pics of sch. from the bus stop where I was waiting for my bus to come.

Last paper on thurs and my university life is over.

Looking from the bus stop opposite central library

Central library, many's 2nd home during exam period

毛毛虫和蚕虫

2007-04-24T11:03:00.001+08:00

一只毛毛虫和一只蚕虫在树上认识了。

他们一起期待长大，期待蜕变之后一起展翅飞舞，嬉戏花丛。

毛毛虫很羡慕蚕虫光滑白嫩的皮肤。

蚕虫说，他的这身光嫩的皮肤是需要经过多次痛苦的蜕变的。每蜕变一次，他才能长大一点。

毛毛虫佩服蚕虫多次蜕变的勇气和毅力。

在一起憧憬未来的日子里，毛毛虫对蚕虫渐生情愫。毛毛虫觉得蚕虫是世界上最帅的虫虫。

蚕虫也很喜欢和毛毛虫一起海侃的时光。

直到有一天，蚕虫不再出现在树上。毛毛虫着急，不知道蚕虫发生了什么事情。一天两天三天，毛毛虫始终不见蚕虫的身影。毛毛虫很伤心。

终于，毛毛虫不能再等了，因为她就要变成蛹；她就要蜕变成蝴蝶了。毛毛虫想：等我有了翅膀，就可以飞去找蚕虫。说不定那时候蚕虫也有翅膀了，我们就可以一起飞舞。

这可是他们俩从小到大的愿望啊。

毛毛虫带着希望，安心地结蛹，安心地进入蜕变。

不知道过了多久，毛毛虫挣扎出茧了。她伸展细细的长腿，扑扇大而艳丽的翅膀。紫而粉红的底色，淡青的缕缕丝烟。

毛毛虫很兴奋。她觉得自己是世界上最幸福的虫虫。哦，不，蝴蝶。她迫不及待地挥动翅膀，开始她的第一次飞翔。

小蝴蝶飞啊飞啊，难以抑制心头的喜悦。

突然，她发现草丛中的一个白丝茧。小蝴蝶若有所思。

不远处，小蝴蝶发现一只奄奄一息的小飞蛾。小蝴蝶富有同情心地降落在飞蛾身边：你没事吧?

小飞蛾抬起头来，看见光鲜照人的小蝴蝶。无奈而悲伤：你别管我！

小蝴蝶对小飞蛾有一种莫名的亲切感，静静地候在一旁舍不得离开。他们俩谁也没说话。

很久。

小飞蛾的脑袋突然耷拉下去，不再呼吸了。小蝴蝶心里一沉，继而慢慢起飞，心想：这只小飞蛾真可怜啊。

小蝴蝶飞啊飞啊，找到新的玩伴，和朋友们尽情地飞舞，尽情地欣赏着以前未曾看过的大千世界，很快就把小飞蛾忘了。

虽然，有的时候，她会停在曾经和蚕虫一起聊天的树上，惆怅地怀念一下他们曾经的梦想。

小蝴蝶有个经典感叹：未能和蚕虫一起实现梦想，真是太遗憾了。

Why do I blog?

2007-04-18T15:53:00.000+08:00

1. Honing my linguistic skills: practising my English and (very importantly) getting in touch with my Chinese. Haven't learnt Chinese in schools since I came to Singapore in 1998. Used to read Chinese novels quite regularly initially but increasingly less and less later on. Now, I depend almost entirely on reading other people's blogs and writing my own to make myself using the language. Of course, I still speak beautifully, if not better. =p

2. Enjoying writing, although I can't write well.

3. Keeping in touch with friends whom I don't get to meet often.

4. Learning to be more open. I tend to be quite private, except around good friends. Blgging helps me to be more open. Although I still have limits as to how much I can blog online for public viewing. ;)

5. Getting to know more people. Glad to meet people like LaoMao, YaoYao, HeBaoDang and XianWaiZhiYin on blogwind. =)

Balance

2007-04-18T14:06:00.000+08:00

I'm grateful for this book that I chanced upon one or two months ago in the Christian bookshop in Coronation Plaza. I was on my way home from church. Lonely and emotionally low, I decided to linger at Coronation Plaza for a bit of change in my routine. When I first saw this book, I thought it would be another book about fasting, praying, meditating on God's word, seeking wise council, waiting, observing the circumstances and so on. But it is NOT. Although I've never heard of the author before, he speaks to my heart right there when I browsed through the first chapter. The struggles described are so real and I can so easily identify with him. Many times when I thought he's going to talk about doing daily devotion and seeking God's will by praying unceasingly, he talks about something I totally didn't expect yet are so applicable to our daily lives. When he talks about discovering God's will for your career choice in life, he talks about getting to know yourself. Of course, it's not that prayer and His words are not important. But they are not enough.

As I progressed to read more of the book, I began to realize the many misconceptions I had. --I can't deny that I'm sad!-- I used to think that God has only one specific way planned out for us; if we have not the deepest conviction what we do is really the Lord's will then we have gone astray (this seems to be the conventional view). This view can lead to a lot of confusion. Although I prayed whenever I made my decisions, there were still times when I couldn't stop but wonder in the back of my mind: is this really God's will?! Deep down in my heart, I knew I doubted and had begun to think that God is more flexible than many of us think. But I wasn't brave enough to think that I was right, especially when many people around me hold the conventional view. There is also a very personal reason why I think the conventional view is somewhat problematic: I am a feeling person and have a tendency to day-dream. A lot of times, I know I'm just imagining and dreaming; I can share with my friends and laugh over them. But sometimes the dreams can become very real to me. If I only look inwards to discern if I'm convicted whether a decision is of God's will, then I'm seriously in danger, as I know I can't trust my feelings all the time. I'm not saying that I don't trust my feelings at all. Most of the time, I'm still quite a rational person. I'm still capable of differentiating what I like and dislike. I learnt my lesson the hard way. With this conventional view in mind, it was also easy for me to be passive in my life. I thought if God had a plan, then He would do most of the work. There were times (esp. in the second year of uni) when I thought if I felt lonely and dissatisfied about life then it must be because I didn't read the Bible enough. I was taught to think that God alone is sufficient for me (maybe I was too stupid but I was sincere when I took this doctrine seriously). Being a foreigner living in a cage-like hostel single room in school, it s all too easy for me to feel lonely. It's only after some time later that I realized how stupid I was to think that man can survive alone -- I need to go out and meet my friends instead of praying for God to bring someone to talk to me.

This book taught me to choose and belive, to live my present life rather than speculating about the future, to pay attention to what I ought to do rather than fantasizing about what I might be able to do if given certain conditions. God can speak to us through extraordinary circumstances but God can also reamain silent. "His silence may mean little more than 'Fine, you can be an accountant or a teacher, move to Orlando or stay in Chicago, marry Sam or remain single. It doesn't much matter to me. I'll bless you either way.' Yet his silence may also mean he has soemthing more important to say that we are not willing to hear. If we would bother to listen, we may hear God say something like 'No, I don't mind whether you go to Harvard or to Spokane community College, but I do mind that you are sleeping with your boyfriend. Stop it, please.'" All we need to do is seeking God's way, making careful decisions ourselves and knowing that what we have decided is God's will and his grace will be with us always. Sittser quotes Thomas Merton in his book:

Our vocation is not simply to be, but to work together with God in the creation of our own life, our own identity, our own destiny. We are free beings and sons of God. This means to say that we should not passively exist, but actively participate in His creative freedom, in our lives, and in the lives of others, by choosing the truth.

I guess my non-believing parents were not entirely wrong when they said I seemed unreal and distant when I talked about God, especially when I first became a Christian. They said I was drawn into a fantasy world. Now I understand better where they were coming from. Yes, I was zealous about God but that didn't hide my foolishness in my presumption of God's ways of doing things. Just like what Henry Cloud and John Townsend said in their book How People Grow, the truth model has many problems (http://www.solutionsonvideo.com/videos/SL/CCNT1072.htm). I can't agree more with them. Sometimes christians tend to be so idealistic that we forget how to relate to real circumstances and real people in life.

Maintaining a balance is harder and more important than I thought.

Though sad over my misconceptions, I thank God that He's given me a mind to critically evaluate, insightful books written by intelligent people to guide and challenge me, and friends who are willing to listen to and accept me as who I am.

Good Friday

2007-04-06T02:02:00.001+08:00

It's good friday today.
As Christians,
we commemorate
the death of Jesus Christ on the cross
and
look forward to His resurrection
on the third day.

I often stop and look back at my life,
wondering how my life would have been
had I not accepted Jesus Christ
four and a half years back.

I might still be blogging about Good Friday
on Good Friday morning
albeit with a different approach.
I might still go to the same classes
and
see the same bunch of people
everyday.
I might still
hang out with my
old school friends.
I might
have grown to like some authoritative figure so much
that I accept his/her beliefs.
I might be
very much the same
superficially.

Having known the Lord,
however,
I know that the decision I made
a few years ago
has made me a different person.

I'd never known what I missed
had I not accepted Him.

It's hard
or perhaps harder to wade through
life's troughs
with the knowledge that
God is always with me.
How could God have been with me
when
everything
seems so wrong?
As an unbeliever, I might just
dismiss the frustrations in life
as merely
a fact of life.
As a Christian,
it's painful to come to
the reconciliation of
the circumstances
and the Lord's omnipotence.

However, it's easy to imagine an unbeliving me
defeated
and embittered.
As His child,
I thank God that
He has kept my heart intact.
I'm grateful that
the Lord has lead me to be who I am today;
grateful that
He's patient enough to see me through;
and help me with my struggles
while I'm growing up.

aversion

2007-04-06T01:10:00.000+08:00

I've a sudden aversion to anything fictional. Maybe I should take a break from fictions. How long? If this aversion is here to stay, I can't see myself getting in touch with any fiction, be it novels, movies or tv drama.

Yes, I'm sick of fictions. For now.

This is beautiful.

2007-03-04T23:11:00.000+08:00

An extract from Amy Tan's novel "The Bonsetter's Daughter".

He turned the page. "With any form of beauty, there are four levels of ability. This is true of painting, calligraphy, literautre, music, dance. The first level is Competent." We were looking at a page that showed two identical renderings of a bamboo grove, a typical painting, well done, realistic, interesting in the detail of double lines, conveying a sense of strength and logevity. "Competence," he went on, "is the ability to draw the same thing over and over in the same strokes, with the same force, the same rhythm, the same trueness. This kind of beauty, however, is ordinary.

"The second level," Kai Jing continued, "is Magnificent." We looked together at another painting, of several stalks of bamboo. "This one goes beyond skill," he said. "Its beauty is unique. and yet it is simpler, with less emphasis on the stalk and more on the leaves. It conveys both strength and solitude. The lesser painter would be able to capture one quality but not the other."

He turned the page. This painting was of a single stalk of bamboo. "The third level is Divine," he said. "The leaves now are shadows blown by an invisible wind, and the stalk is there mostly by suggestion of what is missing. And yet the shadows are more alive than the original leaves that obscured the light. A person seeing this would be wordless to describe how this is done. Try as he might, the same painter could never gain capture the feeling of this painting, only a shadoew of the shadow."

"How could beauty be more than divine?" I murmured, knowing I would soon learn the answer.

"The fourth level," Kai Jing said, "is greater than this, and it is within each mortal's nature to find it. We can sense it only if we do not try to sense it. It occurs without motivation or desire or knowledge of what may result. It is pure. It is what innocent children have. It is what old masters regain once they have lost their minds and become children again."

He turned the page. ON the next was an oval. "This painting is called Inside the Middle of a Bamboo Stalk. The oval is what you see if you are inside looking up or looking down. It is the simplicity of being within, no reason or explanation for being there. It is the natural wonder that anything exists in relation to antoher, an inky oval to a page of white paper, a person to a bamboo stalk, the viwer to the painting."

Kai Jing was quiet for a long time. "This fourth level is called Effortless," he said at last. He put the booklet bakc in his jacket and looked at me thoughtfully. "Recently I have felt this beauty of Effortlessness in all things," he said, "How about you?"

"It is the same for me," I said, and began to cry.

"self"

2007-02-23T15:04:00.001+08:00

I guess it's time to be reconciled with who I am and be at peace with it. It can be both disappointing and comforting to think that no matter how much effort you put in to change yourself, the "self" that is shaped by your own history will always be a part of you and continually contribute to who you are, as long as you are on this earth. The struggle with "self" begins whenever there is a change in the external environment. Disequilibrium occurs when what I expect myself to be doesn't fit my actual performance. I become upset and strive to change myself. It is relatively easy when you are younger and when you have time to spare for self-improvement (which might possibly be self-destruction at the same time). There you are, forming an idea of who you would like to be, taking into consideration your strengths, weaknesses, hobbies, opportunities etc.. You start making choices according to the idea. In the process of pursuing that idea, you encounter obstacles, you feel upset but you perservere on and you see that you've achieved something. You are happy. However, there comes a time when you suddenly realize things of the past are still so prominently part of you. And sometimes, even if you try very hard, it is hard to achieve the ideal that you set out for yourself initially. They are simply unrealistic conceptions. You think: I think I should settle down with whoever I am now. There's a time for growth and there's time for other things. One cannot be confused all the time. One has to stop being confused at some point of time. It's earlier for some and later for others. For me, I think now is about the time.

Hi, yx. Nice to meet you.